better than kool-aid

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. - Erma Bombeck

me too. i made popsicles. dad mixed his with Canadian Club.

too

i am having a fat day.

i feeeeeeeeeeeel fat.

therefore i must beeeeeeeeeeeeee fat.

no. not necessarily.

what i have come to realize is that when i "feel" fat, i'm usually feeling "too big." too much. too too.

ya knoo?

i guess i am expanding into my life now. i am like one of those little capsules that you drop into the water that then bursts and blossoms into a dinosaur, a dolphin or a dahlia. it's really just a sponge, but it looks so magnificent and magical and mystical. it's almost freakish. i think it looks freakish only b/c we're not used to it. we're not used to our kitchen sponge expanding into a pink hippopotomus that wears toe shoes.

i have spent much of my life trying to scale back to a size, psychically, emotionally and physically, that does not threaten or intimidate. why? so i will not be alone. i might be kept trapped in someone's damp, dank pocket, but at least i will not be alone.

stupid.

i am so tiiiiiiiiired of it. the truth? i could diminish myself to the size of

this

dot

.

and this would still not guarantee any sort of lifelong company. besides...what's the point of being with someone if the someone you are with someone is a someone who you are not?

exactly.

so, i will go on expanding to too.
even if, i occasionally feel moo.
it's only for a day or two.
but i wanna dive into life and blossom...on cue.

toodle doo.

love you.

martini break

oy. been so busy lately. just not a lot of opportunity to sit down and write anything remotely interesting. so instead, i give you this cartoon which, in light of my recent post on coffee, made me guffaw so loudly, the dust bunnies in my apartment went all atwitter. not away, unfortunately, just all atwitter.

a body story...beautiful.

i came across this woman, arla patch, when i was perusing the Omega Institute catalogue my neighbor s. left at my doorstep with a little plate of brownies "from scratch." (god love her.)

http://www.arlapatch.com/

i'd been debating whether or not i should attend the SARK workshop in october and now see this as a sign that i should (thanks, s!). however, when i came upon arla's workshop my jaw just about hit my keyboard with shock, awe, and utter admiration.

THIS IS MIRACULOUS STUFF.

A Body Story: A Workshop for Women

Using our own silhouettes, we work on a life-sized "map" of ourselves honoring its history, redefining areas, creating peace, and in the process, reclaiming our body anew. This gives us a chance to gain greater body awareness and reverence for the lives we've led. Using movement, guided imagery, art, writing, and silence, we seek those parts in our bodies in need of celebration and transformation.

Patch uses her own story of healing to address the mind-body connection. She uses visualization for physical transformation and tapping the connection to our source as an avenue to break the patterns lodged in our bodies. And finally, by fusing with nature, we heal the stories in our lives.

The workshop concludes with each woman being given a photographed image of herself, with the chance to speak about the reframing for which this image becomes a talisman.

so upset i can't attend. i'll be vacationing in seattle/portland and attending my cousin e's wedding where i foresee that i will, cocktail in hand, be answering endless questions about whether or not i've "met my prince" or "snagged myself a fella."

no, actually, i've been busy snagging myself a life.

anyway, arla's work is absolutely exquisite. funny - somewhat similar to what we did to create the body forms for size ate, but i adore and get giddy with the anticipation of decorating and detailing my shape - broad shouldered and tapered waist.

i think a bluebird belongs on my shoulder, don't you?

hands

i

don't

know

what

to

write

so

i

will

write

this:

gardenias

and blue satin sashes

and the way my knuckles

resemble my long-dead mother's

when i grip my coffee cup -

a steaming steaming steaming ghost.

these things

are

reason

enough

to not

feel

alone

today.

call

tomorrow

and

i may be

weeping blue

but

today

my

knuckles

whistle

and

call

me

"Hon."

and yet, miraculously, i have no transfats.

a conversation i had at the Xerox machine on friday afternoon:

"you smell like a candybar."

i suppose there are worse things i could smell like.

he walks away. i walk away and take a seat at my desk. suddenly, from across the room, over the heads of more than a few co-workers, he shouts,

"Butterfinger! you smell like a Butterfinger!"

bloody saturday

my manicure/pedicure set: industrial strength

for a sweet little story about getting a mani/pedi with my friend jack while discussing the making of size ate, click here.

and yes, they really did slice into my big toe. eh...i'm used to it. bloodshed is far more common when they have to use a cleaver on your callouses.

i need a hobby.

i think this guy sat behind me on the bus in high school.

there's something very satisfying about popping a zit, isn't there? you've been productive...in a way.

3 (more) reasons to love paula deen

"that's elbow-lickin' good."

1. Collard Green Pizza
2. Fried Biscuits
3. Turducken

happy (belated) voluptuous tuesday...

yeah. this was just getting annoying.

...because tuesday's not fat, shes' just big-boned.

ba dah bum ching.

in honor of mardi gras...oh, okay, mardi gras had nothing to do with it, but the two just happened to happily coincide...

i gave away my TV.

wooo hooo!

frankly, i didn't even watch that much, but i just felt it was taking up way to much physical and psychic space in my little pad. i found i'd come home, flip it on "for company," toss my beleaguered body onto the couch, and POOF! before i knew it, it'd be midnight, i'd half-heartedly done 8 million things, sortof watched 5 television programs that i could not answer a single question about if someone asked me, and eaten through an entire bag of baby carrots, 1/2 wheel of Roquefort cheese, 12 chocolate kisses and one generous glass (or more) of vino.

let me demonstrate what happens in my brain when i get home and encounter an evening avec Le TV:

i've got to get all of this done! i want to read this book, bake this cake, write this letter, burn this cd, knit this teapot cozy, call this grandma, but i have to watch this movie, this sitcom, this documentary, this news program, and this talk show.

you see my problem.

i am not going to become one of those hardcore tube-haters, or one of those who wear their TV-lessness like a Girl Scout badge. i think television serves its purpose if you're one of those people who can manage your TV and not let it manage you. i am not. mine straps me to the couch and forcefeeds me Big Macs and SUVs and self-hatred in the form of emaciated actresses with hair that bounces and boobs that don't. for me, for now, television encourages unconscious action, and i am trying to invite more consciousness into my life. i want to be present and aware of what i'm doing and being and feeling.

even if that feeling is pissed because i'm missing Paula Deen.

i love joe (but nobody else wants us to be together).

this weekend, i attended classes at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition. i learned a number of things about myself.

among them:

1. according to the Myers-Briggs Test, i am an ENFJ.

Warm, empathetic, responsive, and responsible. Highly attuned to the emotions, needs, and motivations of others. Find potential in everyone, want to help others fulfill their potential. May act as catalysts for individual and group growth. Loyal, responsive to praise and criticism. Sociable, facilitate others in a group, and provide inspiring leadership.

oh stop. i'm blushing.

2. the surface area of my gastrointestinal tract is 300-400 square meters, or the size of a tennis court.

love!

3. i drink coffee, therefore i am satan.

okay, they didn't exactly say it in those words, but there is definitely a strong opposition to java at IIN. now, i'm not suggesting that the woman who stood up and said she's a coffee addict, but has "cut back" from 42 ounces a day to 36 ounces doesn't have a problem, (i can't help but think of the poor woman's teeth) but c'mon! i don't think my one cup of hazelnut coffee a day is a huge threat to my overall health, and i drink boatloads of water all day long to counteract the diuretic effects. my numerous trips to the loo throughout the day are a testament this. not only does this provide me with a very active work social life (best conversations are held in restrooms. oh, okay. gossip. but whatever.), it's a replacement for cardio on those days i don't get to the gym.

there actually are good things about coffee: antioxidants like chlorogenic acid and tocopherols, evidence that it lowers your risk Parkinson's disease, colon cancer, and diabetes. i'm not gonna go into the details, you can read about that here. i'm not sure i agree with the idea of feeding it to young children so they can perform better in school, (my parents gave me a small glass of wine at dinner to calm me down, and i don't even think that worked. i can't imagine if they'd given me coffee) but in moderation, can't i have a cup of coffee without feeling LIKE LESS OF A PERSON???!!!

oh, okay. yes. i'm mostly doing this to myself, but coffee is frequently referred to as a drug in class. so, of course, when you refer to something as a drug, i can't help but feel at least a little bit like a drug user. but i have no track marks! no deviated septum! yes, my teeth are a little yellow, but nothing that a little Rembrandt won't fix. so, you hear all of this repeatedly, and can't help but think that you're little cup of joe is a problem. like "did you hear, margaux has a coffee problem?"

yes, i have a problem. my problem is the number 4 thing i learned (again) about myself this weekend: i care too damn much what people think. those people whose high-antioxidant green teabag tags taunt me, dangling conspicuously from the edge of their cup like a 6-year old pageant queen.

i'm better than yoooooooooou.

but whatever. by defending it i guess i'm admitting that there is something innately bad about the stuff, and that's what bugs me. bad. good. bad. good. like people, there are few foods in this life that can be so easily classified with a couple of exceptions; i think we can agree on Hitler and chitlins, don't you? that's what gets us into trouble with food i think. categorizing it as bad or good, devil or angel, friend or foe, it just ain't so.

for now, i'm not quitting. maybe there's a little bit of rebellion there. maybe a little bit of resistance to change. i'm making so many other big changes in my life, health and otherwise, perhaps this is my last hold out, but i can't discount the contentedness that comes with my trip to the cafe where they know just how i like it:

hazelnut with just a touch of half and half and one Splenda.

and, it keeps my bowels happy, and at 300-400 square meters, that is no small thing.

you say tomato, i say gas.

my kind of world piece

i was diagnosed with IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) a few years back. whether IBS is a psychosomatic disease or an actual medical condition is widely debated. like most illnesses, i'd guess that it's probably a combination of both. four years later, i feel well enough to consider its causes. then, i just wanted to stop feeling like my colon was about to explode. it felt like my gut was housing a four-year old who was blowing bubbles using lighter fluid, lighting a match and laughing maniacally at the intestinal fireworks. the only positive thing to say about having IBS? you certainly find out who your true friends are. you know what they say, friends who fart together...

for a time, i was taking a heavy-hitting horse pill that quelled the belly spasms. after doing an elimination diet, i figured out there was really only one thing i couldn't eat: cooked tomato sauce. yes, cooked. it's weird. i can have fresh tomatoes, but there is some acid (maybe the lycopene?) that is released when tomatoes are cooked that wreaks havoc on my belly. completely inexplicable, as i spent my entire childhood eating my mom's chili, spaghetti with meatballs, and lasagna with italian sausage. and let's not forget the pizza from the Milan American Legion! it was a point of pride, coming from a family of athletes whose dining behaviors mimicked those witnessed at an Oakland Raiders training table, that little girl me could devour a plateful nachos with jalapenos, followed by extra-cheesy enchiladas doused in taco sauce and a 7-11 Slurpee. notsomuch anymore.

perhaps its age. perhaps it's the years i spent depriving myself; alternately starving my poor little gut, ignoring it's hunger cries or muffling them with celery, and then when i just couldn't take it anymore, ramming it full of crap and demanding it to digest dammit. what's the problem? it's only a 1/2 gallon of ice cream. wimp.

hm. i guess i should be thankful i can digest anything at all...ever...again.

i've discovered, thank God, that if i eat a little nibble of bread before partaking, i can pretty much handle tomato sauce now. this makes me incredibly happy as one of my fave dishes on the planet is the gnocchi in marinara nestled under a blanket of fresh mozzerella from Don Giovanni. on an empty stomach, however?

do not stand behind me. the heat or the smell; one or the other will render you braindead, and the combination could kill you.

___

in honor of welcoming tomato sauce back into my life:

The Domino's Pizza "Toppings Tell All" study revealed that:

Those who prefer non-traditional toppings such as pineapple and onion tend to be aggressive, achievement-oriented, natural leaders. They do not easily suffer fools.

Pepperoni Please
People who prefer traditional, single meat toppings described themselves as being irritable, argumentative, procrastinators, who frequently conveniently "forget" obligations at work and at home.

Meat Fanatics
Those who preferred traditional, multiple meat toppings are dramatic, seductive extroverts who thrive as the center of attention. They crave novelty in all aspects of their life, are fashionable and impeccably groomed.

Only 1 Veggie Please
Pizza eaters who prefer traditional, vegetable, one-topping pizzas are empathetic, understanding, well adjusted and easy going, making them the ideal parents.

Veggie Pilers
Those who prefer multiple vegetable toppings are trustworthy, loyal and dependable. They value friendship as the ultimate manifestation of life's ideals. They function best in a group environment. They are humble, introverted, and avoid the spotlight.

i like it all, so what does that make me?

a very well-rounded, well-adjusted (though oft-constipated) lass.

couldn't have said it better myself

I used to think that anyone doing something weird was weird. I suddenly realised that anyone weird
wasn't weird at all, and that it was the people saying they were weird that were weird. - Paul McCartney

"...I've learned you can be beautiful without being perfect."

Ex-Rising Star Makes a Healthy Return to the Ice, from The New York Times, February 18, 2006

By JULIET MACUR

TURIN, Italy, Feb. 17 — As her figure skates grew rusty inside the trunk of her Volkswagen, Jamie Silverstein stood in front of a room of sorority women at Cornell University, took a deep breath and told them why she had quit the sport of ice dancing.

"Hi, my name is Jamie," she remembers saying in a shaking voice that day in 2002. "I was on track to go to the Olympics, but my body gave out because I have an eating disorder."

Silverstein was a college freshman then, light years from her life as a skater.

At one time, she and her partner, Justin Pekarek, were touted as the United States' best ice dancers in decades. They were Fred and Ginger on skates, seamlessly gliding across the ice as they waltzed, cha-cha-ed and rumba-ed their way to success, winning the gold medal at the 1999 world junior championships.

A year and a half later, Silverstein crumbled, unable to cope with her eating disorder, anorexia. She blamed her sport, in which women wear skintight outfits that show every flaw and the pressure to live up to expectations can be suffocating.

For four years, Silverstein's skates were left untouched.

So it was a near miracle, Silverstein said, when she and her new partner, Ryan O'Meara, skated onto the ice at the Palavela on Friday for the compulsory portion of the ice dance competition. With her raven-colored hair pulled back from her face and her pink dress flowing as she moved, Silverstein smiled as she danced the waltz. But this time, after years of emotional distress, her smile was genuine.

"This has been overwhelming," Silverstein, 22, said afterward, tearing up. "I think a lot of people didn't believe that I could do this, so this is a huge victory for me."

She and O'Meara, also 22, were in 18th place, with the original dance still to come Sunday and the free skate Monday. They are the No. 3 pair on the United States team and are not considered contenders for a medal, but they say that just being in the competition is enough of a reward.

Tanith Belbin and Ben Agosto, the world silver medalists last year, were sixth, 1.42 points behind the first-place couple, Barbara Fusar Poli and Maurizio Margaglio of Italy. The other United States dancers, Melissa Gregory and Denis Petuhkov, were 15th.

When Silverstein and Pekarek left the sport, Belbin and Agosto took their place as the United States' best hope for its first Olympic ice dance medal in 30 years.

"We really looked up to Jamie and Justin, because they paved the way for us as the up-and-coming U.S. team," Agosto said. "It's an unbelievable accomplishment for Jamie to come back."

Silverstein, from Pittsburgh, had paired with Pekarek when she was 11. Several years later, the weight began to peel off her 5-foot-3 frame. Her face became more angular. Her shoulder blades looked bony. Her weight loss was hard to hide in her costumes.

She pretended to be fine, but on the inside, Silverstein said, she was drowning. She said she felt the need to be the best, to make people happy, including her mother, Robin, who had gone through a divorce and had focused her energies on her daughter's career.

It was not unfolding as the romantic life Silverstein had imagined from watching made-for-TV movies. She said she felt invisible.

"I thought someone would say, 'She's more important than any of this skating stuff,' and would rescue me," Silverstein said. "I just wanted someone to pluck me away and, for a long time, that was so sad."

She handled that pain by restricting her food intake. Pekarek and their coach, Igor Shpilband, would try to feed her. Pekarek took her to a sports psychologist, but even that did not help.

"Everyone in the skating world knew she had a problem, but they didn't know the severity of it, or the ties to the depression or mental anguish," said Pekarek, now a skating coach and college student in Massachusetts. "She was lost because everyone had planned her future for her and she had no control over it."

One day in 2001, Silverstein just could not do it anymore. Sobbing, she told Shpilband and Pekarek that she no longer had the strength to train and that she was not just a skater, she was a person, too. She needed time away from the sport.

"Igor, bless his heart, said, 'No, you are a skater. You are beautiful,' meaning it to be empowering, like I had a gift," she said. "Then Justin stood up for me and said, 'Don't worry, you can take as much time as you want.' I'll always love him for being the first person to stick up for me."

She and Pekarek, while on top of their ice-dancing world, parted ways.

At Cornell, Silverstein still battled anorexia and bulimia. After seeing a counselor and a nutritionist, she said, she soon realized that skating did not cause her problem. She learned ways to take care of herself.

Then, in late 2004, she dragged those rusty skates out of her trunk. She called Shpilband and asked to come back. Then she asked Pekarek to join her, but he declined because he was skating with someone else. She and O'Meara teamed up in April.

"She's an amazing person and I'm so glad I could help her make it here," said O'Meara, who is from Houston.

But for Silverstein, who studies art therapy at Cornell, it still is difficult, particularly when she sees other ice dancers.

"It just takes having the courage to be as I am in this environment and not get caught up in comparisons," she said Friday, as a paper-thin skater walked by wearing an outfit that looked like two strategically placed dinner napkins.

Then Silverstein sighed.

"It was really hard for me for a long time, and it still is," she said. "On a day-to-day basis, I don't feel beautiful, but skating has always made me feel beautiful.

"It's just that now I've learned you can be beautiful without being perfect."

happiness comes in 32 flavors

c'mon. she came from France. of course it's ice cream.

thomas jefferson was a man of many accomplishments. he was a true polymath: political philosopher, architect, musician, book collector, scientist, horticulturist, diplomat, and inventor. then there was that other gig. President of the United States.

he left us a number of memorable quotations. a few that i particularly admire:

The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do. (i said i admire it, people, as it's clear i do not follow this advice in either speaking or writing.)

I cannot live without books.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

it is in the spirit of "pursuit of happiness" that he must have discovered the joys of ice cream. after all, it is TJ whom we can thank for making ice cream a staple in America's culinary lexicon.

a moment of silence, please.

ice cream was served frequently at dinners hosted by him, and "while George Washington's papers contain a prior reference to an ice cream maker, the first American recipe for the dish is in Jefferson's hand." and in the other, no doubt, a spoon.

happy belated valentine's day

Love is not gourmet
cream truffles
or pacified sucks.

But walking on broken rocks
where nobody goes-
love is.
Jane Mayhall

this is my favorite love poem. this year, anyway.

i find this is true of love in all it's forms, not just the red rose, bodice-ripping Harlequin romance love. love between friends. love between a parent and a child. love between a husband and wife. love between a girl and her ice cream. love between Me and...the Me in the Mirror. love ain't easy. i guess most things that are worth it aren't.

dammit.

---

check out this website and photo exhibit: www.longmarriedcouples.com

RF: In 60 years, you've never had a fight?
Rose: What we gonna fight about?
Paul: No. What we gonna fight about?
RF: Well, that's a first.
Paul: What are we gonna fight about? What is there to fight about?

pumpkin pancakes in a marshmallow world

i woke up to this on sunday morning.

this, to me, is bliss. Brenda Lee's Marshmallow World bliss.

some people hate snow. i looooove it. it muffles everything. wraps a dirty old truant in a sparkling white velvet cloak. 'course, i've discerned that there's one thing that separates me from the snow haters. they shovel it. i don't.

oops.

my dear neighbor s. was up and a shovelin' before i was even considering the possibility of stepping out of my pink plaid pajamas bottoms. she also runs marathons weekly and folds her laundry properly. someday i hope to grow up to be like her. a girl can dream.

ah well.

so sunday morning...

i wanted pancakes.

i never eat pancakes. the CARBS! the REFINED FLOUR! the SUGARY MAPLE SYRUP! the BUTTER! the...the...the...pure insanity of pancakes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh, shut up. they're pancakes. not landmines.

if a 26-inch, record-breaking blizzard isn't excuse enough to cancel plans, stay in and eat pancakes in bed, what is? (the only other excusable scenario i can think of at the moment involves a very attractive male serving me pancakes in bed, but whatever...life is what you make it. 2 outta 3 ain't so bad.)

so, pumpkin pancakes it would be, and pumpkin pancakes it was.

Pumpkin Pancakes
courtesy of Janie "Mom" Laskey

2 cups of whole wheat flour
if you're a wimp and can't handle the fiber, you can use regular unbleached flour or 1/2 and 1/2 . if you use all whole wheat, you might have to add a little more liquid so it's more batter-y and less plaster-y.

4 organic eggs
splurge for the organic. if you're premenstrual like me, you can do without the extra hormones.

4 teaspoons of baking powder
play with this. i found my pancakes rose so much they were almost the size of biscuits. if you like that, go with the 4 TB. if you're more of an A cup girl, adjust accordingly.

1 teaspoon salt

1 tablespoon of cinnamon

1/2 cup of organic milk - soy, rice, old school dairy
again, splurge for the organic. in my humble opinion, the animal products is where this whole organic thing really matters. read this, paying special attention to number 4.

1/2 cup of oil
i used almond oil, but you could use pretty much any good oil.

1 cup canned pumpkin puree
not pumpkin pie filling. just plain ol' Libby canned pumpkin.

now for the hard part. these are really difficult directions, but just take a deep breath, summon your patience, and...

Mix together until completely combined.

Whew.

Then slap a 1/4 cup or so on a hot, nonstick skillet. Once you start seeing bubbles on the surface, FLIP! Then check for doneness. You know how ya like 'em. Serve with real maple syrup and butter. Or, be like me, and slather on some almond butter and a dollop of Old Chatham Sheepherding Company's Sheep's Milk Pure Maple Yogurt.

slip back in between the sheets, nibble away and listen to the silence of the falling snow.

mmmm...blissssssssssssss.

a kinda compliment

i've never been hit on by an Asian man. last night, i was:

ya know, you have pretty good coloring for a white girl. most of you look like fucking albinos.

eat cookies=save the planet!

my favorite kind of environmental activism is chocolate chip.

http://www.buildagreenbakery.com/

brain food

received this email from my friend, landlass and fellow Little Miss Craftypants.

from: k
to: margrocks

date: mon, feb. 6, 2006 7:01 PM

subject: only one nerdy enough to appreciate this

http://www.betterlivingthroughdesign.com/type/archives/muji_puzzle_cookies.html

so sad, yet so true.

now, if only someone would make Rubik's cube jello molds.

but set her to work on a toilet, and there'll be no end to her libidinous bliss.

Betty Friedan, Who Ignited Cause in 'Feminine Mystique,' Dies at 85

i feel a certain kinship with betty friedan. for one thing, she was a late bloomer. (god, i hate that term, but that's what they call me, and that's what she was):

Growing up brainy, Jewish, outspoken and, by the standards of the time, unlovely, Bettye was ostracized. She was barred from the fashionable sororities at her Peoria high school and rarely asked on dates. It was an experience, she would later say, that made her identify with people on the margins of society.

At Smith, she blossomed. For the first time, she could be as smart as she wanted, as impassioned as she wanted and as loud as she wanted, and for four happy years she was all those things.

she was often difficult:

Though widely respected as a modern-day heroine, Ms. Friedan was by no means universally beloved, even — or perhaps especially — by members of the women's movement. She was famously abrasive. She could be thin-skinned and imperious, subject to screaming fits of temperament.

and, like me, according to this article, she hated all forms of floor washing; she once screamed at an audience that no woman "gets an orgasm from shining the kitchen floor!"

obviously, she was not good friends with martha stewart.

thanks, betty. for NOW, Naral Pro-Choice America, and the National Women's Political Caucus. i may not agree with everything you had to say, but thanks for making us aware that we have options.

why does that take so much practice?

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. Buddha

the silent killer (and i don't mean your brother's farts)

a very important article you need to read if you are a woman, love a woman, or plan on becoming a woman...

Women Are Said to Face Hidden Heart Disease Risk

there is quite a lot of a duh factor in this article. it's been reported for years, but i think most of America is still not aware that heart disease is the "No. 1 cause of death in all women older than 25," not breast cancer. more money is raised for breast cancer research thanks to the boob factor and ubercute pink breast cancer awareness paraphanelia, but it is not as deadly.

read the article. know the symptoms. get the tests if you're at risk.

The researchers report that compared to a nonsmoker, a woman who smokes has a risk of dying from heart disease equal to the risk she would have if she weighed 90 pounds more than the nonsmoker.

hm.















so in a sense, kate moss and i weigh about the same.

come now...her hair alone weighed 15 pounds.

get this:

The first stewardesses could not be taller than 5 feet 4 inches and could not weigh more than 115 pounds.

hm. i coulda had a great career...

for about a year...

in the 6th grade.

the christmas tree that i cannot bear to take down.

at times, i cannot imagine a sadder sight than looking down a street littered with bare Christmas trees, toppled over like drunken dames of questionable reputation. sad, stray strands of tinsel not properly plucked off adding to the pathos of the tableau.

i refuse to expose my innocent, little tree to that kind of environment.

low-carb, low-schmarb

put on your headphones and take a listen, then go eat a damn bagel. if you want it, of course.

http://www.illwillpress.com/fatkins.html

shut up and listen.

i went away this weekend for a few days to a farmhouse upstate that belongs to a friend of mine. i needed some time away from the chaos that is my apartment and life (does my apartment reflect my life? or does my life reflect my apartment?) to think, reassess and just be.

i've had some pretty shocking eureka moments in the past few weeks - chock it up to the holidays, the new year, the birthday, the new little gumptious gray hair that's shimmying out of my hairline (whom i've named Roxanne, by the way), whatever. i just know i needed to step away...shut up...and listen.

sounds easier than it is. i excel at many things. relaxing is not one of them.

i went alone. now, this worried a few of my friends. rightly so. they know me, or rather, they know The Isolationist Me from when my eating-disordered, self-destructive behavior ruled my days. when my 3 best friends were Girl Scout cookies, broccoli and obsessive exercise. you know what they say, don't you?

an addict alone is in very bad company.

i guess they thought i was gonna go up there and weep myself into oblivion while bathing in a tub of chocolate and then run 14 miles. still appealing at times, yes, but i also know that in spite of my reclusive-abusive past, i've always been the type o' gal who needs a little "alone time." a little QT time with the most fabulous/horrible (cuz it really depends on the day, right?) person i know.

as much as i'd love to fill my house with guests and feed them giant pots of chili and cocoa and suffer paroxysms of laughter; as much as i'd like to take my show around the country and save every pre-teen girl from stepping into the abyss that is an eating disorder; as much as i'd love to meet a boy and get married and maybe have a kumquat or two and slow dance to the din of the dishwasher (there's one of them fucking, inconvenient eurekas i was talking about) - i really do believe that in the end, the most important relationship that i have is with me. that sounds very self-help and Oprahesque, but if i'm not "okay" alone, i will never ever be okay with ______.

them's thar just the truth.

so...that's what this weekend was about. shutting up, listening, and just being with me.

between baking vegan cornbread and watching old Katharine Hepburn/ Cary Grant flicks, i spent a lot of time sitting by a waterfall, endearingly called "Buttermilk Falls," sunlight piercing through a lacy veil of trees. i just sat and tried to discern what it is/was that i really want in my life and what i can do about getting it or giving it away.

figure it all out dammit! and preferably within the hour!

funny. i was still tense.

finally, after an hour of agonizing over why an epiphany had failed to strike, it dawned on me to just quit fucking trying so goddamn hard.

novel.

there were no sweeping revelations. no booming voice from God. it was more of a faint whisper that naturally got louder as the screaming, judgmental thoughts got sucked away into the rush of the falls.

what'd it say? eh. a number of things.

be generous.

be loving.

be honest.

give dinner parties (seriously that was one.)

the biggest one was the quietest one. the eensy-weensy pebble that ripples the water and shifts all the others into the sunlight.

open, please.

in essence, be vulnerable.

ugh. i'd be more comfortable with be a bitch. that voice is absolutely right, though, and i know it. i think i've proven that i'm strong, but am strong enough to show that i'm weak?

we'll see...i'm just gonna keep shutting up and listening.

my brothers should be very pleased. ( ;

happy birthday to me.

pre-rollerskating birthday brownie courtesy of the urban family

went rollerskating last nite in celebration of my 31st birthday. 31! can you believe it?

me either.

have to say...i'm only happy to be getting older. you couldn't pay me to go back to the scared 25-year old i was six years ago. sure...i've discovered a wiry gray hair, i've got "expression lines" on my forehead and my knees don't handle running quite as well as they used to, but i (heart) myself sooooooo much more now than i ever have. i'm getting to that place of bien de sans peau or "comfort in one's own skin." i have bad days, of course. we all do. actually, today was sort of a "fat day," but the difference is i'm learning how to take care of myself on days like today. my journal entry this morning:

i feel chubby and round...how do i stop this feeling from affecting my entire day in a negative way? 1. i wear clothes that are comfortable 2. i drink a lot of water 3. eat wholesome foods and 4. no drinking tonight. ha. oh - and lipgloss - lotsa lipgloss. that's key.

i also got a massage unlike any i've ever gotten this afternoon. egads...the power of touch. we forget how important touch is especially when we don't have a siggy other to snuggle with. kinda sux, but ya gotta schedule that in and oftentimes pay for it. to save money, i think i'm just gonna start hugging random people as i walk down the street.

excuse me, i haven't had my daily dose of touch today. do you mind hugging me in an engaged yet non-threatening platonic manner?

anyway...my point is, i like this getting older gig.

last nite, i told my friend, r, that i remember lying in bed the night of my 5th birthday, spreading my left hand out like a starfish and whispering to myself in the dark as if i'd discovered something earth-shattering:

"wow...i'm a whole hand."

now i'm six whole hands plus an index finger (or a middle finger. depends on the day.)

ah well...the better to eat chocolate with.

for monique, wherever she is.

The Problem We All Live With
by Norman Rockwell

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
Martin Luther King Jr., Strength to Love, 1963

in nutrition class a couple of weeks ago, we were asked to recall the first time we encountered racism, or rather, the first time we were made aware of its existence. i'm sure i was in the presence of it for much of my childhood but wasn't aware of it. my family, while loving and not openly discriminatory, has their "issues" surrounding race and religion. i like to think that i'm somehow exempt from that inheritance, but unfortunately, i didn't just get the good stuff: great eye-hand coordination, moody hazel-amber eyes that change colors when i cry and a mouth-watering flank steak recipe. nuh-uh.

me? i think i not only became aware of racism existing, but aware my own racist proclivities just before my 6th birthday. one helluva present, eh?

a few weeks before my birthday party, my mother sent me to school with invitations to hand out. she instructed me to be very careful because i hadn't invited every little girl in the class. namely, i hadn't invited monique. monique was the sole black student in my first grade class. i don't remember ever having viewed her as "different." i mostly remember being jealous of the numerous little pastel-colored barrettes she wore in her hair; she wore so many it was like her hair had been sprinkled with confetti. we played together in the schoolyard. we both had French names that started with an "M." we were the only girls in the class who could outrun the boys. i liked monique. i don't remember thinking of her as "different," but i must have thought something because i did not invite her to my party.

(25 years later, and i still feel a lump of guilt land in my gut with a resonant thump when i write/read that.)

to this day, i don't know why my mom didn't make me invite her. it clearly upset my mom that i hadn't. perhaps she thought she was letting me make my own decisions, giving me some sort of independence and ownership over my own party. whatever. i was six. i got a 25 cent/week allowance. i didn't own anything. i don't fault my mom for much, she was pretty damn near Donna Reed-perfect, but she should have made me invite monique.

inevitably, monique ended up finding out that i was having a party and that she wasn't invited. (we were six-year olds. six-year olds don't keep secrets.) what did i say? i don't even remember. i must have blocked it out because i was so absolutely and utterly ashamed. after all, i had absolutely no good reason for not having invited her. what could i say?

because you don't look like the other girls?

because your hair isn't silky like theirs?

because i can't see your freckles?

because your eyes are solid onyx in a setting of white, pupil and iris absolutely indistinguishable?

i often think about monique. i wonder how she is. did she ever leave milan? does she have children of her own? does she remember that party she wasn't invited to? i'm sure she's fine. i'm sure she recovered, had her own damn party, didn't invite me and wore 4,000 sparkly barrettes in her hair. i realize it's presumptious to think that i might have had some sort of lasting negative effect on her.

in retrospect (it only took 25 fucking years!), it makes me realize that racism is like any other disease, genetic or social...you gotta fight it, you gotta talk about it, you gotta expose it to the light so that seething, pus-filled wound can heal. one big reason i have fought my eating disorders so vehemently is because i don't want to pass them on; either to my own children or to my nieces and nephews. same thing goes for racism. it doesn't just go away, and "just not knowing any better" isn't a reason to let it hang around and fester. it's contagious.

so thanks for that lesson, monique. even if i don't benefit from it, at least some future generations will. i hope you're happy wherever you are and that you have never ever given me and my stupid party a second thought. i really don't deserve it.

still, i sure would like to say i'm sorry.

note to self: hang out with more drunk people.

drink up ladies...the boys get cuter, and i get skinnier.

i went to a farewell party for my friend, j., last night. j. designed and built all of the body forms for my show. sweet, talented lady. she's heading west to LaLa Land to pursue a career in set design. she's got a hot bod, flaming tresses and one helluva noggin. she should do smashingly well. she should probably keep the brain a bit of a secret in the beginning however.

anyway, i'm quite sober when i arrive. everyone else is...not. i'm chatting with a lovely inebriated lass, h. h. is friends with j. and therefore knows all about my show, blog, etc. in between sips, she slurringly praises me:

you're so funny! you're so talented! i love your blog. but wait! your show is called size ate? but you're not a size 8!

i'm thinking: no, not always. sometimes a 10. sometimes a 12. you're right. thanks for pointing that out. it's not like i'm that much bigger. sheesh. i hate drunk people.

she accidentally picks up my drink to take a sip:

you're not a size 8! you're like a size 4!

i love drunk people.

i always did like "friends"

68%. yeah. i wish.

i'm working on a really profound, earth-shattering post, but in the meantime check this site out. you upload your picture and it tells you what celebs have similar bone structure to yours.

here were my results. not the most scientific i don't think, but it's fun anyway.

for the hell of it, i decided to do my Great Grandmother Ruth.


my dad sent me this photo a few weeks ago. i don't remember much of her. she died when i was around 6 years old, and at the time she was living in Florida, so my memories of her are restricted to a single visit to her condominium one Easter vacation when i was around 4. i imagine i spent most of my time doing what most kids do at their great-grandparents' house, raiding the Depression glass candy dish and trying to figure out why everything smells so strange...now i know, a combination of Emeraude eau de toilette and vienna sausage.

apparently she was quite the party girl in her time. ruth, they say, was (gasp) a flapper as much as a girl could be in the eensy-teensy town of milan, michigan. rumor has it she used to sneak cigarettes (contraband in their household by her husband - my staid, bank manager great-grandfather Grant), hastily hiding them in the freezer when her grandchildren (my dad and his brothers) paid her unannounced visits. my dad would open the freezer to get a popsicle, ice cubes, whatever only to be overwhelmed by ribbons of smoke swirling out from behind the frozen peas where a bed of butts lay dying.

okay...that was a tangent.

so, here are gramma ruth's results. funny.

66% - Emmeline Pankhurst

64% - Tori Amos

64% - Therese of Lisieux

60% - Hugh Grant

59% - Jennifer Connelly

58% - Matt LeBlanc

new year, new word

i was going to post a pic, but it just felt too bitchy signaling anyone out.

i'm coining a new word...prettiful.

no no no...not full of pretty. but a combination of pretty and pitiful.

oh, c'mon...you know the people i'm talking about.

those peeps that never really developed a character or intellect b/c he/she figgers he/she can coast on "he/she's pretty" for the most of his/her life.

but then, who am criticizing? i think enlightenment might lay in a pair of glittery false eyelashes.

they do, right?

a poem for the new year

look...very...hard.

if i'd repeat the last 4 stanzas daily, i swear i'd be more present and awake in 2006 than ever before...or even just one word: Look!

Hummingbird Pauses at the Trumpet Vine
by Mary Oliver

Who doesn't love
roses, and who
doesn't love the lilies
of the black ponds

floating like flocks
of tiny swans
and of course the flaming
trumpet vine

where the hummingbird comes
like a small green angel, to soak
his dark tongue
in happiness - - -

and who doesn't want
to live with the brisk
motor of his heart
singing

like a Schubert
and his eyes
working and working like those days of rapture
by van Gogh, in Arles?

Look! for most of the world
is waiting
or remembering - - -
most of the world is time

when we're not here,
not born yet, or died - - -
a slow fire
under the earth with all

our dumb wild blind cousins
who also
can't even remember anymore
their own happiness - - -

Look! and then we will be
like the pale cool
stones, that last almost
forever.

it's twinkies!

c., a friend of mine from high school, just gave birth to twins - a boy and a girl. what makes this particularly amazing is that she has struggled with serious eating disorders since the age of 13. she hasn't had an easy time of getting pregnant, but then i guess it's not that surprising when you don't feed your body properly for years, your body isn't going to trust that you're going to feed your body enough to support a child. but she did it! once with her son who's about 3, and now with a pair of sweet little twinkies - in pink and blue, such complementary colors. not surprising actually, c. was never one to do something half-ass - valedictorian, student council president, homecoming court and now...Mommy of three.

these are the onesies i made for them. cute, huh?

janie's birthday

my mom was born today.

she'd be 61. she was 30-years old when she delivered me, and i will be 31 in january. (her third child. i am sooo far behind. i just gave away a cat - too much responsibility.) it always made it easy to figure out her age - "just add 30." determining dad's age was always little more difficult for me - 32 years older. could involve carrying over a one, and everyone knows how frustrating double-digit addition can be for a first grader. in some ways, these little calculations would become fitting analogies for the dynamics of our relationships:

mom and me = easy
dad and me = ehhhhh...a little more complicated

i don't normally get nostalgic and weepy on The Big Days - the day she died, November 19 - and her birthday - December 28. they usually just pass right on by. i usually don't even notice until the next day:

oh goodness, yesterday was Mom's birthday. i guess i should have done something to mark it.

this year seems to be a little different. i feel the need to recognize it. bend the corner of the page. highlight this excerpt. maybe i'm getting more sentimental as i get older. i am getting closer in age and mentality to the woman she was and further from the girl i was. i am shocked to find myself having moved from a Ms. magazine-reading college girl who's terrified of slipping into a trapped life that's exactly like hers - wife, mother and homemaker - to being a Martha Stewart-reading woman who's terrified that she will slip into a life that's absolutely nothing like hers - wife, mother and homemaker. surely there is some sort of delicate balance. (can't just be a coincidence that Ms. and Martha Stewart are the same initials!) i just haven't figured out how the hell to make that even out just yet.

so today, for the first time since her death 18 years ago (holy shit - that long? and why do i find myself tearing up when i write that?), i find myself marking it albeit accidentally by doing very Janie-like things:

i started the day by doing a load of laundry. i will listen to Mozart's violin concertos. i will go to the bank. i will go to the post office to mail belated Christmas presents. i'll look in the mirror and bemoan the landscape of my belly. i will write thank you notes. i will heat up leftovers for dinner, and i will fall asleep before finishing the first chapter.

not so different after all, i guess.

----

and then just when you think you're alone, your brother goes and sends you a picture like this. he put yellow roses on her grave this morning - her favorite. thanks, L.

holiday (over) eating

on the phone this evening with r. she's at her hometown airport, waiting to board the plane to come back to the city:

"...i've been eating six meals a day. not the six small meals they say you should be eating. no. six full-size meals. i swear i'm like 40 pounds heavier. seriously."

"40 pounds heavier? yeah. i'm sure. 40 pounds heavier, r., in 5 days. totally plausible."

"oh, okay. then five. five pounds heavier."

"there ya go, that might be a bit more realistic."

"i've eaten so much since i've been here; i swear that's all we've done. today i decided i was going to eat light. yeah...so at lunch, i ordered the ribeye."

ahh...the comfort of kindred spirits.

happy holidays, y'all.

put your napkin in your lap...ahem.

ah...no time like the holidays to polish up your napkin folding technique.

i'm sorry, but the candle? can you imagine approaching a dinner table dotted with 8 of these linen phalli?

then there's the rosebud and the atrium lilly...positively o'keefian.

my mind...in gutter.

this transit strike is making me feel fat.

i had to go buy some new clothes today. i don't have anything else. my entire wardrobe (minus the one change of clothes and a pair of pajamas that i had the foresight to shove into my backpack before i left the house yesterday morning) resides in astoria, new york. for me, this means a earlobe-numbing 4.6 mile walk in the dark on a bridge suspended over the East River.

not gonna happen. so, i've been crashing at friends and will continue to do so until this @#$%!&* strike ends...

this explains why i was forced to go to the Gap at lunch today and try on a few pairs of pants and shirts lest the ones i am currently wearing start developing opposable thumbs and accosting my co-workers.

here's the thing: i don't recommend trying on anything in front of a full-length mirror when

1. you're menstrual

and/or

2. you ate sushi the night before. as you know, sushi is normally accompanied by a sodium-laden condiment called soy sauce that i adore, but causes me to bloat and swell like a...a...a...flesh-colored Michelin man.

ah well...i tried my damnedest to look at myself objectively and not judgmentally:

do the pants fit, margrocks?

yes, but look at that muffin top squish...ohmigod, i think i need a bigger size. i am so fff...

zip it! not what i asked. do the pants fit, margrocks?

yes.

excellent. buy them, and let's get the hell out of here.

so i did.

but still...not a pretty sight in that Gap dressing room.

i guess i could toss myself into the East River and float home.

brownies for breakfast...and dinner.

where the hell is the menstruation badge?

1. brownies taste better when you're sober.

2. brownies taste better when you're premenstrual.

3. brownies taste better when you don't eat a quarter of the pan.

how do i know? because...

1. i tried them both ways.*

2. i am.

3. i did.

but here's the coup - i didn't despise myself as much as i thought i would the next day.

why?

chock a lot of it up to just an increasing self-acceptance, but i've also decided to allow myself a little 'extra' nish nosh when it's (whispered) that time of the month. i read in Some Very Reputable Publication that you should allow yourself a bit more in the mangia department when you're riding the crimson wave. i guess it does make sense that your body would need additional nourishment. your body, ladies, is doing some pretty amazing things; your uterus is essentially doing a Jane Fonda workout for 3-7 days. in order for it to perform as it needs to, it needs a bit more fuel (and a slammin' pair of leg warmers).

now, i realize that a quarter of a pan of Scharfenberger brownies is probably not what these Very Reputable People had in mind, but i know that a few years ago, i might have devoured the whole pan, so this time, by allowing myself some, i only ate what i truly wanted which admittedly, was a pretty hefty chunk and probably more than my necessary caloric and fat intake for the day, but hey...it's all about baby steps.

so...think about it ladies. i suggest allowing yourself a few little indulgences when Mama Moon visits next time. truly allowyourself though. no, "oh my gosh, this is so bad, i shouldn't be doing this." FOOD DOES NOT HAVE MORAL VALUE. hitler was evil. chocolate is not. buy yourself the best damn piece of chocolate (or whatever your poison) you can find. light a candle. slip into your comfy velour pants that make you feel skinny. slap on a heating pad. pop a midol or two (or ten). cry if you want to. rip open your indulgence, and feed your Aunt Flo. she's got one hell of an inheritance, and she's lookin' to leave it to you.

*for concerned friends and family that might be reading this blog, i should note that i was not drinking and binging on brownies alone. i was in the company of my dearest friends for our annual Urban Family Christmas. the rules are as follows 1. drink too much 2. eat too much 3. buy too many presents for each other. it was a very successful evening. i got many goodies, but my fave might very well be the blush pink silk pillow case from r. meowwwwwww. and the brownies were homemade by moi.

because i am a big ol' christmas dork

and this always makes me cry...but in a good way.

but then, i used to like to watch myself cry in the mirror as a kid. mom said she used to walk into my bedroom after a tantrum and catch me weeping, huffing, puffing, and red-faced while staring at myself in the mirror.

drama queen? yes. since birth.

Dear Editor,

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say that there is no Santa Claus. Papa says "If you see it in the Sun, it is so." Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?


Virginia,

Your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except what they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds.

All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to our life its highest beauty and joy.

Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus? You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your Papa to hire men to watch all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove?

Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see.

Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders that are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, or even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernatural beauty and glory beyond.

Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else as real and abiding.

No Santa Claus? Thank God he lives and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, maybe 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the hearts of children.

Written by Francis P. Church in 1897

How this editorial came to be...

sausage balls + an ode to paula deen

absence makes the heart grow fonder.

b + s just moved in together, and in the frenzy of their lovey dovey bliss, decided to throw a combination housewarming and christmas party on saturday night. my attendance was requested, required, and absolutely wholeheartedly given, despite the fact that i'd spent 8 hours at IIN class and would be spending another 8 hours the next day in the same situ. sitting, sans caffeine, in a cavernous auditorium listening to and trying to assimilate the benefits of various diets as proclaimed by their impassioned advocates is exhausting. (the vegan was all to thin for my tastes. i so wanted to invite him over for some meatloaf with gravy.) i was, i thought, to be too pooped to participate.

nah.

amazing what a little green eyeshadow and a festive plaid mini with jingle bells on the hem can do for a girl. instant holiday cheer! just add green glitter! (everyone on the subway thinks you're an absolute loon, but i've discovered how to deal with the attention: put on your ipod fullblast and move through the car with absolute confidence. you can't hear the jingles, thereby making it so much easier to ignore them and your co-straphangers' envious stares.)

i was revived. thank heavens i made the trip - b. made paula deen's sausage balls just for me!

why? he knows how much i love that jolly woman.

when i was sick and hacking on my couch, i did almost nothing but watch Food TV. it was then that cupid struck. i even found myself seriously considering buying her set of 8 dvds for $99.99, but thought better of it after the nyquil wore off. other things were more pressing...rent, for one.

paula, paula, paula...oh, heavens. she is 100% pure southern lady. she does her hair. lipstick is not an option, but a necessity. every recipe requires a cup of mayo, and a cup of butter, and a cup (at least) of sugar. this makes some people nauseous, but i adore her unabashed extravagance and indulgence. her toffee cackle-giggle makes me want to spend the rest of my life in her Savannah kitchen, mouth agape, like a pink, featherless baby bird, squawking for her down home looooove. i'd just sit at her counter, and let her feed me and fatten me and call me "darlin." how could i do anything but just melt into her floor like pecan (pronounced PEE-kan, please) praline?

i'm tempted to write her a letter asking her to adopt me - if only for the holidays. i couldn't do it forever, but i could fake the Southern Belle thing for that long. i'd even roll my hair. 'course, after about 3 weeks, 3 pounds of mayo, butter, and sugar, that vegan diet might seem like pretty good idea.