AY-men.

Monday, March 23, 2009

You are reading from the book Today's Gift

It feels so good to cry. . .
--Susan Cygnet
Some of us were taught that it's bad to express our feelings directly--crying, wailing, jumping up and down for joy--that it's good manners to talk softly, slowly, and politely and to sit still.

But what happens to our feelings when we sit still? If they don't get expressed, they must be caught inside our bodies. Trapped feelings are like birds in a cage, or a rabbit in a trap--they try to get out any way they can. They peck on our heads and give us headaches. They scratch at our stomachs and make us hurt.

We must let them out. We must laugh and cry. Then our bodies will be happy, and our feelings will curl up in our laps like happy puppies.

Am I ignoring the physical symptoms of trapped feelings?

uh... yes.

i started the day with tears. while i agree that starting every day as such might indicate a larger problem - depression, say - i think i just damn well needed to shed a few. i've been juggling A LOT over the past several weeks, the anxiety has been building and building and building, and the dam just crumbled this morning.. crumbled right into my coffee. i felt dumb about it, of course... and weak, and silly, and hormonal, but then i came across this thought for the day, and i felt a lot better about my little episode. from Hazelden.

e-cards for the smart asses in your life

from Some E-Cards

a beach, a bitch... life is...

still no computer yet, but i'm actually gonna bite the big, scary bullet and buy a new one this weekend, so provided i can get the thing up and running, regular posting will resume early next week mehopes.

performing size ate over the past several weeks has been an invigorating, enlightening and exhausting experience (but in a good, spent-all-day-building-sandcastles-on-the-beach-way). i can't wait to do it again! but before then, i'd like to spend some time lollygagging on an actual beach, feet firmly planted in the warm sand, fingertips stained red from shelling pistachios. there will be a book, but i won't be reading it.

le sigh.

talk to y'all soon. i pinky swear.

because in this weather, your apples get vewy chiwwy.

an apple jacket by handamade

and that is not a euphemism.

who doesn't need more fiber in their diet? and who can't imagine this adorable little thing sitting on their desk? problem is, i don't think i'd want to ruin the display by eating it.

i'm sans computer this week. mine went pffft the moment i tried to upload some videos from the size ate shows last week. i'm hoping to be up and running again by the end of this week, but that all depends on the computer gods.

i'll say this: the shows at Drew University, Caldwell College and SUNY New Paltz went remarkably well. doing the show is always a bit of a freakout (scary) therapy (wonderful) session for me, but i'm always humbled by what i learn from the audiences, the questions they ask, the things i'm forced to re-think regarding my own recovery and how i portray that recovery in my show. more thoughts to come on that.

two more shows to go! Barnard College/Columbia University next Monday, March 9, and Immaculata College on Thursday, March 19. if you're in the area, and would like to attend either, please let me know, and i'll see if i can get you in.

national eating disorders awareness week

unrelated photography. it just makes me happy.

this is gonna be one crazy week, but a blessed one, no less. i have four size ate shows this week at various schools in the area.

i'm SUPER-EXCITED!!!

(i always used to have a little meltdown in acting class, just before i was about to perform. "i'm so nervous/scared!!!" i'd proclaim. my acting teacher would respond in a very wise, Earth Mother sort of way, "okay... so i'm hearing you say that you're excited." she said that for the most part, the feelings of scared and excited physically feel the same way - butterflies in the belly, a racing heart, a rise in body temperature. it's just that "scared" has a negative connotation while "excited" has a positive connotation. so, when you feel "scared" about taking a healthy risk, try saying out loud to yourself and to others around you that you are excited. it works. i pinky swear.)

as you might already know, this week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. that means lots of body-positive events. if you're not in the NYC area, you can go here to find out about events in your neck of the woods, but here's two that i know about in NYC that i heartily recommend.

"Turning the Lens on Eating Disorders" Film Screening
Thursday February 26th, 2009 7:00pm
Pace University, Lecture Hall West, 1 Pace Plaza, 2nd floor
Seating is limited, RSVP by February 25th, 2009 to nyfilm@myneda.org

Mix, mingle, and join NEDA at the movies as we screen two films that explore the impact of eating disorders. A Panel Discussion follows, led by Eating Disorder expert Sondra Kronberg, MS, RD, CDN, and featuring Arol Jahns and Stephanie Schweitzer, writer/producers of Swept and Carla Precht, co-producer/co-director of Beauty Mark

i did this Fearless Eating Workshop last year, and it really helped me get over some residual food fears. and fyi? the food is delicioso! even if you can't go (but you should! i'll be there too!), you should check out Susan Weiss-Berry's website.

Fearless Eating Workshop
Saturday February 28, 2009 12-2 PM
Employees Only Restaurant
510 Hudson St. (between Christopher and W.10th)
$50.00 /seating limited to 20

Join Susan and Julia Jaksic, Executive Chef of Employees Only for a fabulous five-course progressive tasting. Come and challenge your food fears with Mindful Awareness, Writing and Meditation. Experience eating EVERYTHING without the freak-out! To register: swb@evolvedeating.com and we will email information about sign-up and payment.

what can you do for yourself and for others this week to honor National Eating Disorders Awareness week?

for others, i'm going to perform my show in hopes of getting people thinking and talking about the issue. that is the first step, i believe, to recovery.

for me? well, i'm going to do my best to take exquisitely good care of myself this week. it's gonna be a full one, so i'll need all the self-care i can get. long hot showers; wholesome meals; hugs, hugs, and more hugs from The Cute, and taking a moment every day to reflect upon why i do my show, and how lucky i am that i get to.

love letter to my body

i ignored you.

i starved you.

i called you names.

i pinched you.

i plucked you.

i tried to make you disappear.

i hated you, i told you so, and still, you stuck around.

i have no idea why.

i would have broken up with me a long time ago if i were you. i would have tossed my baggage from the fourth floor window onto the street, screamed expletives from the top of my lungs until i went hoarse, and let me fend for myself in the world.

but no.

you stayed. you stoked the fires, you kept the soup warm, and the sheets clean. it's almost as if you knew, somewhere deep, deep down, that i'd come home one night, surrender, crawl into your lap, and let you feed me buttered bread and hot chocolate. you knew you'd cradle me while i slept, my hand resting upon your soft belly, loving you, like you knew you deserved to be loved.

thank you.

and spritz it with your favorite perfume...

from one of my fave photogs and ban.do-makers, jen gotch

valentine's day is coming up! write your body a love letter on pretty stationery, and mail it to yourself the old-fashioned way, with a stamp.

not up for penning a whole letter? then at the very least, a card! you can even download adorable valentine stationery here at etsy, my new obsession.

i'll share my lettre d'mour to my body this week. feel free to share yours. i'll publish them here if you give me the go.

checking in.

my friend took a few snaps of me in hopes of capturing a new shot to use for size ate stuffs.
we got a few, but not until we got quite a few of me being uncomfortable in front of the camera... like-a dees one.

hi lovelies!

great news! up from three to five shows confirmed plus two tentative this spring!

here's the schedule* so far:

Drew University, Monday, February 23
Caldwell College, Wednesday, February 25
SUNY New Paltz, Thursday, February 26 (2 shows)
Immaculata College, Thursday, March 19

the tentative shows i'm gonna keep mum about lest i jinx them, but i'm keeping my fingers crossed, and gonna bake a batch of these cookies tonight to bribe the booking gods.

*if any of you live in the area and would like to attend one of these shows, please let me know. i'd love to have you, but i would need to check in with the schools first to confirm that outside guests are welcome. understandably, security is tight on college campuses these days.

hope 2009.

yes, it's been ages, but i just wanted to check in to let you know, that i'm still here, and i plan on being more blog-present in 2009. my relationship with my body and eating has changed exponentially since i started this blog 3 years ago (or is it 4?), but i still feel i have a lot to say about the matter, even if it's just to share with you how much better it can be as a recovered, albeit imperfectly, woman. i don't want to bitch and moan about the culture we live in (although i reserve the right to do so on certain days of the month). i want to inspire hope. so that's my theme for size ate 2009. to inspire hope via my show, my blog and via my own actions of self-care. this will mean fewer posts, but hopefully, more well-thought out, impactful posts.

oh! and an update on the show: i've got 3 shows booked at area colleges for the spring, and 3 more potential shows in the works. i'll keep you all abreast as the details get settled. exciting!!!

happy new year all. i wish you health, happiness and an abundance of waffles.

yoga + cookies = nirvana.

i came home to find one of these cookies underneath my tree. from my landlord no less! i got the tree pose one. tres adorable, n'est-ce pas?

bad acting + flannel

i was doing a quick internet search for some cute holiday jammies appropriate to wear in front of The Cute's family (um, NO). i never found any jammies for myself, but i did find this video. some of you have seen this on my facebook page already, but i think everyone should see this video. consider it my public service for the holiday season.

how ya like them apples?

one saturday afternoon a few weeks ago, i went bra-shopping at my favorite little lingerie shop. at any given time in my life, i really only have two bras in the daily rotation. like every girl, i have my fair share of impulse bra purchases - lace ones, satin ones, beribboned ones, bejeweled ones, but seriously, who other than Beyonce wears those contraptions on a regular basis?

i was in dire need of a couple new standbys. after several months of daily wear, the elastic in my old reliables seemed to have stretched out, leaving me with shoulder straps that slipped with every move i made, underboob oozing out from beneath the underwire, and a less-than-attractive puckered cup. i was annoyed. i don't want to know i'm wearing i bra. i don't want to have to work to keep a bra on. i just want it to sit there and do it's job. like a good butler. a boob butler.

your breasts, milady.

i ask the salewomen (there are the sweetest, most helpful saleswomen at this little shop!) to get me a few bras to try on in my size.

"36 C."

she brings a bevy of bras in 36 C. i try them on.

strange. underboob still making an appearance, strap still slipping, cup still puckering.

"i think you are a 34 C."

"oh. okay."

she leaves to go rifle through her 34 C drawer right outside the dressing room.

"have you lost weight?"

"maybe a little."

"are you gonna lose more weight?"

"i hope not."

pause.

"have you been sick?"

"um, nope!"

"oh. (pause) well, at least your cup-size hasn't gone down!"

she seemed to be confused by my response to her first question:

"are you gonna lose more weight?"

"i hope not."

and then i found her follow-up question curious:

"have you been sick?"

sick? as if the only reason i might not want to lose more weight is because i'd been sick, and to lose more weight would mean i'd continue to be sick or get sick again?

who knows what her thought process was. i wasn't offended. there was no "i can't believe you think i need to lose more weight" kinda thing. i just found it fascinating... and a little sad... and a little happy for me.

"i hope not."

i.e.

i hope not to lose more weight.

to not want to lose more weight. does that make me sick? nooooo. that makes me well.

imagine! i've reached a point in my life where i have no desire to lose weight. i think i could even (and probably will) gain a little, some, maybe a lot of weight at some point in the next 50 years, and live a damn fine, miraculous life. really, truly those two things (weight, life) are not dependent upon one another unless i make them so. it's up to me.

i'm proud of where i am, proud of where i was that day in the lingerie shop. a few years ago, a slight comment like that would have, no joke, led to tears.

if i could do it over?

"i hope not. i love my body the way that it is."

that really woulda thrown her for a loop.

it's in the water.

i seem to be surrounded by pregnant women lately. glowing, ebullient, beautiful pregnant women of all shapes and sizes. i know there are many pregnant women who spend the entire nine months hating their bodies and the changes it goes through, but what i've heard most lately is how so many of these women feel like they've been let out of body image jail for nine months. guns-a-blazin', they eat without feeling guilty, they don't punish themselves with excessive exercise, they don't feel like they have to hold their stomach in because, sister, there just ain't no holding it in.

i once had an older woman friend say to me (a woman on Weight Watchers), "when i was pregnant, i just ate whatever i wanted when i was hungry and i stopped when i was full, and i didn't really gain much weight. i wish i could eat that way now."

"why can't you?" i asked her.

"well... i mean. i just can't."

that broke my heart.

we actually can.

and it's probably one of the healthiest things we can do for our bodies, our minds, and our children. maybe we grew up in a diet culture, and got our ability to intuitively feed ourselves ripped out of our tiny, little hands like a forbidden cupcake. maybe we grew up believing that love is conditional with one of the conditions being that we be thin and beautiful. that doesn't mean our children have to. we must educate them. we must empower them by letting them make food choices. most importantly, we must love them unconditionally and be a good role model. we can't just talk the talk; we have to walk the walk. feed ourselves. enjoy ourselves.

they are watching.

even if we don't have children and never will.

they are still watching.

nieces, nephews, friends' children, students.

you don't think those 13-year old girls trying on Valentine's Dance dresses in the next room heard you bemoan the size and texture of thighs? you're wrong.

children of the world aside, what about you? what about me?

i have decided:

i will not wait until i am pregnant to eat without feeling guilty.

i will not wait until i am pregnant to not punish myself with excessive exercise.

i will not wait until i am pregnant to not feel like i have to hold my stomach in all the time.

i will not wait until i am pregnant before i start letting others take care of me.

i will not wait until i am pregnant to take care of myself.

i will not wait until i am pregnant to love myself.

i might not be birthing a child in nine months, but there is one inside me all the same.

she is watching.


if you've been pregnant, did you experience freedom from body image angst during those nine months? did that carryover at all into your life once you gave birth?

if you haven't been pregnant, are you scared of the changes your body will go through or can you not wait?

"I am having to come to terms with the fact that at age 41, I found myself unraveling. Or, rather, I unraveled."

the above quote from singer/songwriter juliana hatfield's blog post about her decision to finally go for ED treatment after years of silently struggling. read it here.

here's wishing her well. thank god she has a friend who could speak honestly with her, the cojones to admit herself, and the sense of hope that will see her through what is a bumpy journey through darkness to light. to get well is the brave choice.



i remember singing this song at the top of my lungs driving down perimeter road, valdosta, georgia, summer 1998.

the thin line between self-preservation and self-destruction

ladies and gentleman, this is r.

r, these are the ladies and gentlemen who read my blog.

i'd been talking about wanting to invite folks to serve as contributors on my blog from time to time (navel-gazing gets old, wouldn't you agree?), and r volunteered.

"perfect!" i thought. "she's a helluva good writer AND was a screwy eater for years!"

r and i have been friends since her freshman year and my junior year in college. we were roommates for one year during which i think i can go so far as to say that r subsisted on Baked Lays, Diet Coke, and midnight runs, while i subsisted on Hamburger Helper (with extra cheese), regular Coke, and as an avid devotee of the Couch PotaTaoism Anti-Movement. r has struggled with her fair share of ED and body image issues, and she, after years of work and ups and downs, has finally come to a place of peace about it all. doesn't mean she still doesn't get pissed however when she sees unhealthy diet advice in the media.

1.) DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR SELF-PRESERVATION.
I told Jillian that some of my habits--flushing rice down the toilet so I won't eat it, bringing my own high-fiber bread to brunch--stirred some controversy on the blog. "Why?" she asked. "Why should we apologize for the practices that help us manage the symptoms while we deal with the real reasons we eat? I pour candle wax on my food at restaurants," Jillian admitted. "Not wanting to 'waste food' is a poor excuse for ending up far worse off later on, dealing with all the health problems that come with obesity."

I just stumbled on this blog by Margarita Bertsos called "Margarita Shapes Up," though most of the posts seem pretty fixated on weight loss only. It's for Glamour magazine, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at the weight-obsession.

This particular blog post centered on her meeting Jillian Michaels, one of the trainers from the reality show, "The Biggest Loser." If you don't know the show, it follows two teams of overweight "contestants" as they, as far as I can tell, go to extreme measures to lose enormous amounts of weight in an effort to be healthier and, of course, win a bunch of money. I confess I am both fascinated and repelled by the show- it's like what I imagine a "fat camp" to be like, yet I can't help but beam along with them each week as they (humiliatingly) step on this ginormous scale and find out they've lost 10 pounds in a week. Right. Healthy.

Anyway, this first tip shocked me. This is the kind of behavior, and justification of such, I used not only when I was in the thick of my "recovery" from anorexia, but also numerous times in my life when my disordered eating patterns were slithering back into place. Actually, I remember reading an article about some celebrity who said she dumped the contents of the salt shaker (servers LOVE her) on a dessert after a couple of bites so she wouldn't be tempted to eat more, and a lightbulb went off in my head- "why have I never thought of that?!?!" Of course, the magazine praised her discipline and ingenuity, much as Ms. Michaels does to Ms. Bertsos.

I love the seemingly sound reasoning here: "manage the symptoms while dealing with the real reasons we eat." While Ms. Michaels might be self-evolved enough to be dealing with the reasons she eats, the truth is most of us are not interested in why we binge, or starve, or purge. That's too hard, too painful, too intensive. No, we want someone to tell us how to get and stay skinny, and flushing food or pouring candle wax on our food in order to stop eating before we are truly satiated sounds like a pretty thorough way to do so. Much more final than say, throwing it in the garbage where it can be retrieved because YOU WEREN'T FINISHED, but felt guilty/ashamed/embarrassed for eating whatever it was. Yes, I have.

This is preservation, all right. It's maintaining the same sort of state of mind that focuses on what it looks like when you eat all the fries, order your own damn dessert, choose a salad when you really want the fish and chips. Cause if you say, "screw it, I'm eating what I really want this meal," you just might find yourself not worrying about exactly when to tip that candle over your plate. Might just find yourself not obsessing about your food AT ALL. That's a state worth preserving.

what do you think of jillian's advice?

and thank goodness for that.

i was thinking about the trials and tribulations one goes through throughout one's life, and how, as you heal, you can usually find yourself laughing at circumstances (at some aspect at least) that were awful, horrible and miserable at the time. this riff on a popular adage came to mind:

that which does not kill us makes us stronger; and that which does not kill us will eventually make us laugh.

Patient Voices: Eating Disorders

Barney Taxel for The New York Times, Darren Hauck/New York Times, Jeremy M. Lange for The New York Times, Ruth Fremson/The New York Times, Stuart Isett for The New York Times, Brendan Smialowski for The New York Times

haven't had a chance to read this yet, but a co-worker pointed it out to me, and i immediately wanted to share it with you. a multimedia package on The New York Times website called Patient Voices: Eating Disorders featuring "eight men, women and children (who) tell of their struggles with anorexia, bulimia and other forms of eating disorders." there's also a discussion board if you wanna get in on the conversation.

click here to check it out.

i'd be interested to hear your thoughts. i'll let you know mine once i listen and read.

parlez-vous fat talk?

this week, october 13-17 is Fat Talk Free Week. that's right! NO FAT TALK. can you do it?

NO "oh my god, i'm so fat."

NO "oh my god, she's so fat."

NO "oh my god, what size are you?"

NO "oh my god, i'm doing The Zone/Atkins/Master Cleanse this week."

NO "oh my god, i haven't worked out this week. I feel HUGE."

you get the picture.

in junior high, if we'd tried this, my group of friends would have sat in silence for a full week. what else to discuss?

it's the sorority Tri-Delta that is responsible for introducing FTFW as well as for co-creating a wonderful body image intervention program called Reflections. i'm going to resist making a sorority girl joke because these women have done wonderful thing.

(what's a sorority girl's mating call? oh my god, i am SO DRUNK!)

turns out i couldn't resist. sorry.

check out this video, sign the pledge to abstain from Fat Talk and then forward the video to your friends. you can also sign up to receive a Daily Challenge every day this week. they also have this bold T-shirt for sale. i think i need it.

here's Monday's challenge:

Your Daily Challenge for October 13: The next time someone gives you a compliment, rather than objecting ("No, I'm so fat!"), practice taking a deep breath and saying, "Thank you."

i still struggle with that one. just ask The Cute. luckily, he gives me plenty of opportunities to practice.

( :

Bomb Locamotive Palin - that's me!

and just for fun:

http://www.politsk.blogspot.com/

computer (and me) meltdown

me, tyler, ethan and maddie

hi, gorgeous people!!!

i'll be back shortly. i went to michigan to visit my 'rents and my brother and his family all last week only to return to work yesterday to find that my hard drive has been almost completely wiped out in my absence.

what fucking FUN!!!

my point is, i am busy trying to rebuild my work life (what did we do before computers?), but i shall return once things get back to wee bit normal. forgive moi.

here's a silly question to ponder... if you were to die, and they were going to cast your most "you" body part in bronze to memorialize you, what would it be?

me? my nose. unmistakably me. or my calves. terrifyingly muscular and sinewy. genetics.