stare at my ass all you want, if you think it looks smaller.

most of us women have spent our lives fearing white pants.

2 reasons:

1. we menstruate.

2. it is a widely held belief that white pants make you look fat, or fatter than you are, or slightly bigger than your skinny-assed self. whatever. you get my point.

black is slimming. white is widening.

or so the story goes...

so, then, it was with great hesitation that i purchased a pair of white jeans on sale from the Gap last year for $10. don't know what drove me to actually make the final purchase, but i know i still wasn't certain when i left the store. would my bottom half end up looking like swollen marshmallows smooshed together in a cellulite-laden s'more?

apparently not, for every time i've worn them someone asks me if i have lost weight, and i have decidedly not lost weight. nightly chocolate peanut butter cup ices from Uncle Louie's do not hasten weight loss in any land that i know of.

the other day i wore them, and my friend p came over to rehearse for a small music project that we're putting together. p, you should know, is anything but subtle. he's completely and utterly inappropriate and frequently crass, but it is these selfsame qualities that make me trust him implicitly; he does not bullshit. i walked downstairs to let him in, and as he followed me up the stairs, he says in his thick Brooklynese accent:

"yo, you lost weight?"

"no, i have definitely not lost weight."

"bullshit. i'm staring at your ass, and you've lost weight."

now, i wish i could give two shits when someone says that to me, or better yet, i wish i were offended. i long for the day when i respond to a comment like that with:

WHAT?! ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY I HAVE A SKINNY ASS, MOTHER F*&^ER?!?!

until then tho...i need so many more pairs of white jeans.