Tuesday, August 15, 2006

my home improvement

ego boost on aisle 5.

feeling bad about your body? feeling old? feeling unattractive? feeling as if you might never again feel the brush of someone's lips against your...er...cheek? feeling as if you might as well donate the heels to Salvation Army and stock up on muu-muus because your Prowling Days (what you had of them anyway) are over?

posh! get thee to Home Depot, woman...

...and in the early morning hours on a weekday.

i went this morning to pick out paint for my bathroom (a lovely shade of pink called "Bombshell"), and wow.

wow, i say.

i think i'm gonna have to schedule a weekly visit.

a woman is a rare bird in that place at that time, and you will be treated like the Bird of Paradise that you are. you need not be Heidi Klum's doppelganger nor possess the charm of Jackie O. as long as you have mildly-discernable breasts and a steady supply of estrogen wafting about you, they will stare as if you are Venus just emerged from the clamshell-style sink in Bathrooms, aisle 4. they will say "hello" and smile in the most gentlemanly way. they will hold the door open for you. they will let you go first at the automated checkout. they will reach for the grout that's on that shelf waaaaaaay up there.

granted, none of these men are necessarily date material, and yes, it is sort of cheap because you're taking advantage of the typical male's inability to remain sentient in any bodily region above the waist when boobs are present in an otherwise all-male environment.

but...that's their problem now, isn't it? we can't always be pillars of integrity. go. it will remind you what an awesome body of work you are. as is. absolutely no improvements necessary.

1 comment:

PalmTreeChick said...

I promise not to bombard you with comments, now that you allow them.

Once again you made me laugh. Though I have less than "mildy-discernable breasts" (or "pidos," short for "torpedos," as I like to call them) I may have to pay a visit to the nearest HD. Since ALL shelves are "way up there" for me, I should be getting tons of help. HA!

I just realized that you might not know who this is, but I'm sure my name will give it away. ;)

Glad you're posting regularly again.