Saturday, July 09, 2005

family re-EWWWWW-nion weekend

i should be sleeping.

i haven't slept in about 6 days.

why?

dunno...the mind is racing....a gerbil on a treadmill...will...not....stop.

argh.

off - early early early - 6 am flight - to michigan for a family reunion tomorrow.

must sleep. must get my beauty sleep. can i lose 10 pounds overnight?

i will see family members who, i know, love me, but are also more than a wee-bit-obsessed with appearances - thinness, clear skin, and callous-free pedicured feet (none of which i have at this particular moment).

i will see family members that i have never met, or that i met when i was 8-years old. before i became a woman-obsessed. before i learned to hate my legs in shorts, before i learned to not smile too big in the family reunion photo because it made my face look too wide...

i will see family members and friends who remember my mother only as a perfectly beautiful, perfectly angelic woman. flawless, blond, long-legged and bringing home-baked pies to the garbage men on christmas eve because she felt bad that they had to empty our trash. trash that contained our great dane's sizeable...er...excrement.

in their mind she is a goddess. a goddess, not only of beauty, but of generous spirit and prize-winning tuna casserole.

i

cannot

measure

up.

i am human. my torso is longer than my legs. i am no angel. i am no goddess. i bake pies for the guys at the firehouse, but please...i don't do it for purely altruistic reasons. they're cute, for chrissakes.

so...this time...i will not try. oh sure. i will look presentable. i will brush my hair. i will moisturize my calloused feet. i already shaved my legs and packed the 'feminine shoes' (kitten heels) my grandma likes so much instead of the 'big shoes' (i.e. birkenstocks) i like so much.

but...if i want to swim in the hotel pool. i will. i will put on my swimsuit and feel the sun and wind against my skin and ignore the glances...approving, disapproving or otherwise.

and.

and. i will smile real big in the family photo. even if it means the photographer has to change to a wide-angle lens.

4 comments:

karma said...

hey that means you have now shaved your legs twice this year. this is a big event. (try to) have fun.

Anonymous said...

m, how could your family not be dazzled by you? you are clearly so smart and talented.

molly and i send warm thoughts--
the icing-requesting momma jen

Anonymous said...

i just started reading your blog and while i was reading this entry i kept thinking of my impression of you - i remember the first time i saw you it was sigining on stage and i thought you were incredibly sexy and sensual and just exuding life and from every pore. watching you amde me happy and feel inspired - i found myself wishing i could be at least a little like you.

margrocks said...

wow. thanks jen and anonymous. you guys certainly know how to make a girl feel better.

jen - dazzled? i dunno. confused. frightened, maybe. ha.

thank you, anonymous. ya made my heart buzzzzz....