happy 4 o' july

happy fourth of july everyone!

in honour of our country's independence day today, i attempt to free my body and my mind from the typical penitential refrain of

don't eat that.

don't have that second margarita with the little pink umbrellas that you love so much.

don't wear your swimsuit in front of all these people.

don't let them see your calloused feet.

don't wear your big, rhinestone-y earrings that look like fireworks, they might think you're weird.

don't sing the star-spangled banner full-voice and make appropriately-placed cymbal sounds by banging the garbage can lid with your empty margarita glass.

in other words:

DON'T

HAVE

FUN.

screw it. our forefathers, after all, fought for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, dammit.

so go forth, countrymen and women. pursue The Big H.

eat hot dogs smothered in ketchup, sour cream pound cake topped with blueberries and strawberries (you patriotic eaters you!), dip your feet in the pool, run through a sprinkler, and write your name in the night sky real fast using sparklers!

and don't forget to cry during the fireworks finale when the Star-Spangled Banner is sung by a B-pop star.

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as an afterthought - last nite, as i was giving myself a pedicure akin to an archaeological excavation (the amount of scrubbing and filing i have to do - positively aerobic), i watched demi moore in g.i. jane. the movie is about a woman who attempts to become a navy seal. why any woman would want to do this, i don't know, but she does, all the while maintaining a perfect size 6 and miraculously smudge-free mascara!!! as i watched her get harassed by mysogynists in camoflauge and get beat to a bloody pulp, i thought to myself, "hey, if she can get through that, i can finish this f-ing pedicure." just as demi was presented with her pair of little navy seal wings, my feet started to look like feet again. all those razor blades and callous-eating ointments were worth it. ah...there is no end to what us womenfolk will do for our country.