Thursday, May 31, 2007

the raisinet philosophy

today, just after lunch, i had what i thought was a craving for chocolate. i scraped some change together and went to the vending machine and bought myself a package of Dark Raisinets. a relatively healthy compromise i reasoned - dark chocolate full of antioxidants and raisins full of fiber. whatever. that bit is irrelevant. i got back to my desk, sat down, readied to open the bag and realized:

i didn't want them anymore.

i just wanted to be allowed to have them.

it's not new news that allowing yourself to have things (not just desire then deny them) sometimes suddenly leaves room for you to figure out that you didn't actually want them in the first place, you just wanted the freedom to choose.

i'm still surprised when i see that concept in action in my own life, having lived in a self-destructive cycle of complete denial then totally whacked-out binging for so long. i suppose it's the same reason i have two 5-pound bags of chocolate and candy in my cupboard nowadays. the candy has gone relatively uneaten, but it's always there, my SweetTart-scented security blanket of sorts. i am allowed to wrap myself up in it's sweetness anytime i like, but i rarely want to nowadays, and i can't help but partially attribute that to the fact that its consistent presence gives me a choice to do so, or not. by giving myself permission to eat or to feel (b/c in the end that's what all this is about - permission to feel all your feelings - the good, the bad the ugly) anything i want to, i have quieted the denial devil that sat on my shoulder screaming her philosophy of 'NO' for so many years.

i can now hear my body sweetly whisper (or scream) her needs and cravings - sometimes waffle fries dripping with cheese and mayo, sure, but oftentimes sauteed spinach with a little garlic and olive oil over the Ben & Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer. now that's something that never woulda happened in the old days.

and then sometimes, it's not about the food at all, is it? it's the shared glance, caress, kiss, connection i crave. the ones that come from sharing that little piece of tiramisu in the tiny italian place with the tin ceiling, skinny waitress and unripe pears. imagine not having giving myself the permission to taste that.

you can learn a lot from an unopened bag of chocolate-covered raisins. totally worth the 75 cents.

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