with a side of noogie.

"i'll have the wedgie burger with fries, please."

"uh. i'm sorry?"

"the wedgie burger."

"i'm so sorry?"

"the wedgie burger."

i hand her the menu so she can just point it out, and her index finger lands on the VEGGIE burger.

i have no idea what might be in a wedgie burger, but i know i don't want one.

a fat rant.

i can't believe i've missed this...it is WONDERFUL. it has gotten a TON of press, and she's gotten 903,983 views as of a few minutes ago. it clearly resonates with people...of ALL SIZES.

thank you, Joy Nash.

cooking for a boy

"i don't know what i should make...i mean, i'm much more of a winter cook - soups, stews, hearty things...i live off of salads in the summer. should i do a pasta? but i never make pasta. fish scares me. chicken's sorta boring...maybe i..."

"he won't care. pick your dress."

gratuitous baby pic of the week #2

grant mitchell laskey having "Doughnuts for Dad" at pre-school...

good boy...likes his carbs.

thank you.

do you ever have one of those days when you look around you and realize how very lucky you are to be where you are and surrounded by those who surround you?

today was that kind of day - i wore my blessings like a blush.

no more "date salads."

i went on a date thursday night (yes, i've actually had a few of those lately), and The Cute took me to an excellent sushi place downtown. while he was away using the loo, i struck up a conversation with the folks at the table next to me - two women on a business trip.

"oh, so you're from miami, you all must have really great sushi down there."

"oh, i've been all over, and this is by far the best sushi place i've ever been to...and i'm not on a date, so i can stuff my face."

"well, i am on a date, and i'm still gonna stuff my face."

"good for you...and you'll still have more fun afterwards than we will."

lesbians like tiaras too.

okay, okay...full disclosure:

my neighbors k + k are out of town for the week, so i "borrowed" their periodicals (really just the People magazine and the Time Out New York).

hi guys! i'll return them uncrinkled, and i promise i did not read them while on the throne.

i was flipping through the TONY and came across an interview with Glenn Marla, the reigning Miss LEZ and self-described "fat go-go and sex-positive superstar." i'm not a lesbian (really, Dad, i'm not), but if i were, i think i'd be a lot like her. she describes her style as combining "aspects of gut-as-glamour, dapper dandy, and trannie realness with a strong relationship to color – and a love of spandex and sparkle." on second thought, i'd like to work on adopting her style philosophy, whether i shoot for the other team or not. sparkle is a non-gender-biased cosmetic upper.

she said a few things that stuck with me, more so than anything any Miss USA has ever squawked:

My platform was to make backfat the new cleavage, and I don't know if you have looked around lately, but backfat has become all the rage!

I'm an ethical slut who tries to fall in love at least once a day...

I do believe that one can be fabulous, amazing, brilliant, sexy and nice.

one of those days...

...when you feel like no one sees you, or when they see you, they're rude.

...when it rains, and you have no umbrella but everyone else in this city seems to have a golf-sized one and absolutely no problem clipping you in the face with it's metal talons without so much as a "sorry," and it feels personal, like god chose this weather because he knew it would piss you off because you must have done something wrong once that you don't even remember, but you're sure it was something you did, something you ate, some thought you thunk, some booger you picked then wiped under your school desk when you were in Mrs. McClane's 1st grade class because you just didn't feel like walking up to her desk for a tissue.

THIS

IS

YOUR

PUNISHMENT.

...when the guy behind you in line at Duane Reade sighs dramatically, and says, "oh c'mon!" as you take a wee bit too long for his taste removing money from your purse. normally, you'd just ignore it and seethe, but something about the events of today make you look him straight in the eye and say,

"if it's a problem, you can move to another register."

"really?"

"yes, really." would you like a fucking escort?

maybe it's because i'm wearing all black, you think. i must just blend in. or maybe it's because i have suddenly become ugly and fat and so that's why everyone's being so awfully rude to me today.

that is what i do on days like today. if i can't make sense of other people's crappy behavior towards me, i assume that it's about me and some horrid flaw i have that is inspiring their behavioral vomit to land on my shoes. i know many folks who do this, and it varies as to what that imagined flaw might be. for me, and this'll come as no big shock, it's most frequently a physical flaw i imagine is encouraging these people to put on their meanypants.

blaming the body. exhausting. silly, maybe, but it's typical of so many of us folks who've struggled with eating issues and body image. i've done it for years, and it's a testament to my progress and healing that i really only do it on the shittiest of days anymore (midsummer 90 degree days count as "shittiest" too). days like today...when teenagers on the train ride home make fun of my all-black waitressing clothes:

look, she even has a black umbrella to match.

maybe, no...absolutely, it has nothing to do with you and your perfectly imperfect person, and everything to do with the shitty weather and that person's failing marriage, and that person's blister, and that teenage kid's pregnancy scare, and that guy who just got smacked in the face with a gigantic golf umbrella two minutes before you stood in line together at the Duane Reade, and all he wanted was a pack of cigarettes.

so, no. like most people's reactions, it had nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own internal scheisse, but still...no one could blame you if a little schadenfreude smirk did slide across your face when that guy asked for a pack of Newport Lights, and the clerk behind the counter replied:

"we're out."

it's never too late to source what you might have sourced.

it always creeps me out a bit when i get anonymous comments on blog posts that are more than a month or so old...

who is reading me, and why won't they let me see who they are?

and this one is no different, i'm still a little creeped out, but the intention seems to be a good one. i (incorrectly) quoted george eliot in a title of a blog once and failed to indicate who said it (it wasn't me). i'm so familiar w/ that quote, i guess i assumed everyone was and didn't need a source. anyway...i got this today -

"It is never too late to become what you might have been."
George Eliot, pseudonym of Mary Ann Evans. Post the source please.
Thanks and feel good. - Anonymous

ouch. hard not to feel like i'm being accused of plagiarism or something, but whatevs...them's there the breaks of sharing your writing publicly. for the record, it's mary ann evans who went by the nom de plume george eliot - author of one of my favorite books- Middlemarch. if you like jane austen, you'll probably like her too. she's like jane austen with a PhD in British political and social history...who wears stilettos.

so thanks, mr./ms. anonymous, for keeping me honest. it does feel good.

gratuitous baby pic of the week #1

grant mitchell laskey

i'm gonna limit myself people. once a week. i swear.

(fingers crossed)