Saturday, January 12, 2008

just so you know...

first, let me say how much it means to me that you all believe in size ate so strongly. with every email, every comment, you light the fire under my bum. a fire that does, unfortunately, occasionally peter out from time to time. i need the lighter fluid of your words.

but lately, i've gotten a couple of messages along the lines of:

what the fuck is going on with your show? why aren't you touring the world yet?

and my answer is:

i'm working on it.

i have a couple of tentative shows booked for the spring, and i'm working on more, but size ate is, in every sense of the word, a one-woman show. i have an administrative staff of one - me - and there is only so much i can do. sure, i could spend every free moment working on my show and getting it out there, but i also have, i am very proud to say, a LIFE, a life outside of my show and it's cause. i have a full-time job i want to do well. i have a boyfriend whom i love very much, and whom i want to spend time lollygagging with. i have amazing friends that i want to see and share chocolate bars with. i have a bed i want to spend long hours sleeping in. i have books i want to read. i have presents to wrap and errands to run. i have a LIFE! seven years ago, lightheaded and starving, i never thought i'd have one, and i'm not gonna take it for granted.

trust me, i spend plenty of time feeling guilty about not doing enough regarding the show, knowing that it's important and could help many girls and women if i can only get them to see it, but when the guilt practically overwhelms me, i stop and ask myself:

well, why the hell did you choose to get better in the first place?

so i could live my life, that's why. and that's just what i'm doing. my show is a part of that life, a part i am very proud of no doubt, but just a part, not the end all be all. not my raison d'etre. ya know, i can spend an entire day NOT thinking about eating disorders and body image, and that, my dears, is the whole point.

FREEDOM!!!

and here's the thing: if i don't fully live my own life, i'm not setting a very good example for those girls and women who are struggling to overcome their own eating disorders and body image issues. that may sound like a cop out, but i don't care. i didn't write my show and start this blog so i could develop a NEW AND IMPROVED! obsession. i did it to get over the old one, and to help others get over theirs. if i worked non-stop on size ate, it'd become an obsession, a different, less life-threatening obsession sure, but an obsession nonetheless. an obsession that would keep me from truly enjoying every morsel of this sweet life, morsels i'm not willing to give up, and neither should you. life is all too short for that kind of nonsense.

6 comments:

Zmama75 said...

Excellent post. I think it's so important to move away from the food/body obsession and not replace it with a whole other obsession.

Love the blog.

Susan said...

I agree with your post 110%!!!!

Dreaming again said...

*hugs* those who put demands on you, should really examine their own motives.

I've had those 'blog friends' who suddenly start chiding me for not being a good enough friend when they are in a time of crisis ...and my own life not withstanding ... um, hello? ... you live in another country ... I live in the middle of the US, I write a blog .. you write a blog ... we've come to support each other ...but ... really ... I'm not responsible for your sanity!

It took me a while to not feel guilty and come to that stance ... a long while ...

good for you for writing this post!

azusmom said...

Good for you! I totally agree with dreaming again; anyone who relies solely on the internet (or on other people) for their self-worth really needs to take a look at their own life.
I had an experience with a "live' friend, someone I'd grown up with, who gave me an ultimatum: contact me by this date (so I can tell you all about my life and not listen to you at all) or our friendship is over.
I haven't seen or spoken to this person since.

Rahadyan said...

As with many things, people's minds will change, however incrementally, when they see you're walking the walk as well as -- well, you know.

I've been in too many situations where people have expected me to fight whatever good fight 24/7. I used to note to them that I'm not good at being either Moses or Gandhi (for one thing, Lands' End doesn't sell those styles)

Tia said...

*hugs* I can see how I might have sounded pushy, I wasn't trying to be, I sometimes forget that political activism is not everyone's hobby =P

Sorry, I just want you to be happy!