if you can't think of anything nice to say, don't comment on my lunch.

last friday afternoon, i got onto the elevator with my lunch. a plastic carton i'd filled up at our company's overpriced salad bar. i ride the elevator for a couple of floors. the elevator stops. a guy gets on.

it's friday. it's sunny. i'm in a good mood. i am friend to Everyman. sprinkling my sparkly cheer on any who come into my company. awkward silence in the elevator? no sirree! i won't have it! i am friendly! i make everyone comfortable! i will not stare at my shoes! i will not stare at the floor numbers as they change, feigning fascination with oh my! the pretty lights!

14, 13, 12, 11, 10.

"hi," i say.

"hi," he says.

i rest in a self-satisfied pause.

then he ruins it all. he looks at my lunch and says:

"wow. that's a BIG salad."

and i swear he says it as if he's never seen the likes of such a monstrous salad. so incredulous he is, i might as well have an entire double chocolate fudge cake heaving in my arms.

and frankly, that is my goddamn business and would be perfectly acceptable and fine too! BECAUSE IT'S MY FOOD, MY BODY AND MY CHOICE, and if MY BODY needs an entire chocolate cake, it needs an entire chocolate cake, and if MY BODY needs a 4,000 pound salad it needs a 4,000 pound salad sans commentary from YOU, mr. weeny man. i know you. you, who ate a smooth peanut butter (b/c the crunchy kind hurts your wittle, tiny, baby-sensitive gums) and grape jelly sandwich on white bread while sitting at your computer, crumbs dropping between the keys. you are the person whose keyboard we are all afraid to touch.

well! now i'm just being judgmental.

no matter.

FOOD COMMENTATOR. i hate food commentators.

wow, are you eating ALL OF THAT?

wow, is that ALL YOU'RE EATING?

i try to be understanding. he works in the Technology department of my company. he's pale and wan and awkward. maybe he's uncomfortable in this small, confined space, alone with a living, breathing being that and has boobs and smells like flowers and SweetTarts, but seriously, is this all he can think of to say?

so many other options.

like...

nothing. absolutely nothing is sooo much better.

oh, right. fun.

Today, I will stop struggling so hard. I will let go of my belief that life and recovery have to be hard. I will replace it with a belief that I can walk this journey in ease and peace. And sometimes, it can actually be fun.

from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.

you can actually get the daily thoughts for a day at this website. i have the book by my bed. actually, i think it's under my bed. it's way easier to go to the website than to retrieve the book. i risk losing an arm to rabid dust bunnies.

for that passive-aggressive baby shower hostess

in an attempt to find some inspiration for a cute though not saccharine sweet baby shower corsage, i stopped by my neighborhood party store. i want to make something that's pretty, but something with a little wit, but something that doesn't involve baby socks or pacifiers or wet ones.

yes, i am making a baby shower corsage. i actually, seriously, no-joke googled "baby shower corsage that will not make you gag," in hopes that maybe there was some woman out there who was faced with a similar dilemma, solved it wittily yet prettily, and then blogged about it.

no dice.

so i went into the party store, and i didn't find much inspiration, but i did find this cake topper. it's not the best pic in the world (a better one here), but it's a figurine of a pretty darn slim pregnant woman (excepting her protruding belly) who has broken a scale because she's SO FREAKING HUGE.

i'm throwing a party to celebrate the birth of your beautiful miracle baby, you earth mother, you. i've baked you a big beautiful cake (your favorite flavor and icing), and now, i'm just gonna put this little figurine on top to remind you just HOW MUCH WEIGHT YOU'VE GAINED. now, go on, eat as much you want! it's okay! you're eating for TWO!

it bugs. and for a moment i thought maybe i was being oversensitive, but i did a quick google search looking for a better pic, and i found this. ah ha! commiseration is a fine thing indeed. i love the internetikins. i want to pinch its cheeks.

she has a home gym.

The Cute and i had dinner with some friends last night in fort greene, brooklyn. on the walk there, i saw this sign and immediately felt the need to take a picture.

as i fumble with my phone, The Cute:

"babe, i believe they're referring to Jamaican beef patties, not Patty who lives down the street."

this is my dresser.

i think i need a new one.

thanksgiving in june.

thanks be to jesus!

two things to be thankful for:

ONE:

the heat wave has broken. we are now lollygagging about in temperatures in the lower 80s.

on the way to the subway tonight, e and i discuss:

"it's going to be the early-80s tomorrow."

"really? does this mean i'll wake up with feathered bangs and wearing Jordache jeans?"

TWO:

ADELE.


if you haven't heard her, seen her, you should. i just saw her live tonight at the Highline Ballroom here in NYC. not only does she have an amazing voice that channels the soul goddesses of the 60s, she's only about 6-years old. (not true. she's just turned 20 on may 5. OMG! my grandma betty's birthday!). she's still a wee uncomfortable onstage - she sort of reminds me of me when i was a freshmen theater major in monologue class:

but what do i do with these things called HANDS? i swear i've never noticed them before! get them OFF!

but you just don't care. she's so damned charming, what with her bouncy, British accent and her little peasant top (with a Spanx underneath, she told us) and her fake eyelashes and her "mum" in the audience. her singing voice is similar to that of Amy Winehouse, but she's still very much her own artist and woman.

and did you notice? she's round, and curvy, and downright ample. i like seeing that. a round, curvy, beautiful woman selling out two nights at a popular NYC music venue. now... if they'd only show her entire body (not just her face) in her music videos. see?




and here.

grow some 'nads, music industry.

the sundress legacy.

flounce proudly.

i'm astonished, really. how quickly it comes back. you think you've conquered it. shoved it down into the innards, and yet.

doo do doo do, doo do doo do, doo do doo do...

it's like the goddamn Twilight Zone.

everyone's being an asshole because their buttcheeks are chafing and their pores are clogging in this miserable heat, but i'm somehow managing to take it personally.

is it because i'm ugly? is it because i'm fat? is it because of that zit on my left cheek?

seriously? um. no. suffering from delusions of grandeur, my dahlin'? everyone here is preoccupied with their misery - just like you - so shove some ice cubes into your C-cup and SNAP OUT OF IT!

nyc is having a bit of a heat wave. temps hit 100 today, and this past weekend was pretty awful too. on sunday, after The Cute (poor dear) drenched himself in sweat fixing the ice cube maker, we sat down at the kitchen table and stared at one another over a batch of homemade Bloody Marys. communication limited to vigorous eye movements and motionless-speaking worthy of a ventriloquist. movement permitted only to 1. visit the air-conditioned bedroom or 2. shower... again.

and NO TOUCHING.

i don't do well in heat, or rather, i haven't done well in the heat in the past. i've gotten much better, but it has always brought up so much body angst for me. hot and sticky weather means to me 1. hot, swollen body and 2. less clothing.

FAT-FEELING BODY!!! LESS CLOTHING!!! a torturous combination for someone trying to get comfortable with her body.

but then, i think, what would the challenge be in 365 days of big sweaters and courduroys? nada much.

over the past couple of years, i've relaxed a bit. gotten more comfy in my skin, gotten more comfy showing more skin. it's nice to move through the world with less body shame, and i consider the wearing of a certain summer staple one of the many bonuses of being a girl.

WE GET TO WEAR DRESSES!!! NA NA NI BOO BOO!!!

it is completely culturally-acceptable, daresay expected, for us womenfolk to wear light, flouncy (read: cool) dresses when the temperatures soar. i'm not suggesting you dress to please anyone other than yourself, but these days, i choose to weather heat waves donning strappy sundresses and flouncy tunics rather than my summer uniform of yore: heavy cotton XL t-shirts and jeans.

i swear their are boobs somewhere in this sea of jersey knit. hold on a sec, i'll find one for ya.

my body is far from perfect, and i obviously still struggle with some body anxiety when it comes to summer attire. so what makes it different now? what makes it easier now?

hm.

i think it has something to do with the fact that these days, my own physical well-being is mucho more important-o to my emotional well-being than what other people think of me... and my arms... and my ass... and that zit on my left cheek. sure, it might still feel like it matters sometimes, but a whole helluva lot less. these days, it's more about how i feel in the world, not about how i think they feel about my being in it.

actually, it's The Cute who's pointed out the Sundress Legacy to me on a number of occasions. me, on a hot summer's day, slipping into a light, airy confection of a summer dress, and he struggling into yet another pair of PANTS: those sartorial contraptions that cover both legs in material from hip to heel.

you girls are lucky.

yes, yes we are. not totally fair, i'll grant you, but then neither was that not being able to vote for the first 100+ years of the republic. i'll consider this a fair trade, thanks.

i have to go shopping now.

sausage grows on trees.

i. want. this. album.

(thanks, nina).

shhh... i'm hunting bunny wabbits.

i just felt like posting this picture of me and my brothers from 1979. my sweet brother lance is scanning a bunch of pics for me (to possibly use on my website). i loved that miss piggy t-shirt more than life. not more than the two boys pictured here though.. even though they claim they dropped me on my head more than once. on purpose.

have you seen these? i saw an ad for these on the subway the other day. gut feeling?

JESUS H. CHRIST. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE. MY FLIP FLOPS HAVE TO WORK ME OUT???!!!

can't wait for a tampon that will do the same.

i'm gonna be quiet for a while. redesigning the website, writing new content for the website, designing postcards for a mailing to area colleges to drum up (fingers crossed!) some more shows in the fall. i'm busy.

or am i?

oh, i dunno.

i'm feeling a little creatively challenged these days. doubting myself, my abilities. my reasons for doing this show and blog have changed so significantly over the past 3 years, i think it's smart for me to take a step back and really evaluate what it is i want this show and blog to do... for you guys, the readers, as well as for me.

i SWEAR i'm not disappearing. i just think now is the time.

(begs the question: isn't NOW always the time? wish i could always remember that.)