Friday, February 24, 2006

you say tomato, i say gas.

my kind of world piece

i was diagnosed with IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) a few years back. whether IBS is a psychosomatic disease or an actual medical condition is widely debated. like most illnesses, i'd guess that it's probably a combination of both. four years later, i feel well enough to consider its causes. then, i just wanted to stop feeling like my colon was about to explode. it felt like my gut was housing a four-year old who was blowing bubbles using lighter fluid, lighting a match and laughing maniacally at the intestinal fireworks. the only positive thing to say about having IBS? you certainly find out who your true friends are. you know what they say, friends who fart together...

for a time, i was taking a heavy-hitting horse pill that quelled the belly spasms. after doing an elimination diet, i figured out there was really only one thing i couldn't eat: cooked tomato sauce. yes, cooked. it's weird. i can have fresh tomatoes, but there is some acid (maybe the lycopene?) that is released when tomatoes are cooked that wreaks havoc on my belly. completely inexplicable, as i spent my entire childhood eating my mom's chili, spaghetti with meatballs, and lasagna with italian sausage. and let's not forget the pizza from the Milan American Legion! it was a point of pride, coming from a family of athletes whose dining behaviors mimicked those witnessed at an Oakland Raiders training table, that little girl me could devour a plateful nachos with jalapenos, followed by extra-cheesy enchiladas doused in taco sauce and a 7-11 Slurpee. notsomuch anymore.

perhaps its age. perhaps it's the years i spent depriving myself; alternately starving my poor little gut, ignoring it's hunger cries or muffling them with celery, and then when i just couldn't take it anymore, ramming it full of crap and demanding it to digest dammit. what's the problem? it's only a 1/2 gallon of ice cream. wimp.

hm. i guess i should be thankful i can digest anything at all...ever...again.

i've discovered, thank God, that if i eat a little nibble of bread before partaking, i can pretty much handle tomato sauce now. this makes me incredibly happy as one of my fave dishes on the planet is the gnocchi in marinara nestled under a blanket of fresh mozzerella from Don Giovanni. on an empty stomach, however?

do not stand behind me.
the heat or the smell; one or the other will render you braindead, and the combination could kill you.


in honor of welcoming tomato sauce back into my life:

The Domino's Pizza "Toppings Tell All" study revealed that:

Those who prefer non-traditional toppings such as pineapple and onion tend to be aggressive, achievement-oriented, natural leaders. They do not easily suffer fools.

Pepperoni Please
People who prefer traditional, single meat toppings described themselves as being irritable, argumentative, procrastinators, who frequently conveniently "forget" obligations at work and at home.

Meat Fanatics
Those who preferred traditional, multiple meat toppings are dramatic, seductive extroverts who thrive as the center of attention. They crave novelty in all aspects of their life, are fashionable and impeccably groomed.

Only 1 Veggie Please
Pizza eaters who prefer traditional, vegetable, one-topping pizzas are empathetic, understanding, well adjusted and easy going, making them the ideal parents.

Veggie Pilers
Those who prefer multiple vegetable toppings are trustworthy, loyal and dependable. They value friendship as the ultimate manifestation of life's ideals. They function best in a group environment. They are humble, introverted, and avoid the spotlight.

i like it all, so what does that make me?

a very well-rounded, well-adjusted (though oft-constipated) lass.

No comments: