for softer, smoother boob hair.

this picture makes it look almost pleasant.

on saturday morning, i went to get my annual mammogram and a breast sonogram. the mammogram hurt more than it ever has, but instead of viewing that as a bad thing, i'm choosing to view it as a good thing. the woman that performed the mammogram was INCREDIBLY thorough. she hoisted my breast up there and smooshed, smashed, smished my boob between those two cold metal plates until it resembled a breast no longer - more like a pancake, with a single solitary raspberry smack in the center. she then brought me back into the room to isolate an area higher up on the breast. this time, a smaller plate and even more pressure. excellent way to spend your saturday morning, folks.

[they put these little floral print stickers (with a small metal dot enclosed) on your nipples that help the doctor locate the nipple in the x-ray. "nipple markers," they're called, they're like itsy bitsy pasties, and they hurt like the dickens when you pull them off. i wonder if i'm the only weirdo who saved hers for her scrapbook. likely.]

then, onto the breast sonogram. lisette, a sweet sweet sweet petite Latin woman performed the procedure. if you've never had one done - in short, they squirt a gel-like substance onto your breast and then rub it down with a flat metal plate on the end of a small wand ( i promise it sounds much more fun than it is) that takes pictures of any suspicious spots in your breast tissue. sweet Lisette warmed the gel before. i thanked her and told her that when i'd had it done before, the gel was ice cold.

that eez so meaann! so lazy. it takes two seconds to warm eet. sooo mean.

lisette then told me, as she rubbed down my lubricated boobs, that she was going to buy a winter coat today at Burlington Coat Factory, and see, she even has a 20% coupon. surely there must be a coat there that she would like, and do i know what train she should take to get there? surely you'll find something cozy, i said, and take the 1 or the 9 to 23rd street.

lisette proclaimed both of my breasts "lovely," and then excused herself to show the pictures to the doctor. as i waited, still lubricated and sticky, i wondered what that gel actually was...the ingredients, etc. (my way, i imagine, of avoiding thinking about less pleasant topics. death, for example.) when lisette returned, i asked her.

oh, eet's just called Ultrasound Gel from some sort of medical supply company, but you know, on humeed days during the summer, i come een and put eet een my hair. reeally good for getting reed of frizz, and it's alcohol free.