Saturday, December 23, 2006

home for the holidays, rule #1

answer all potentially incendiary comments with a zen-like benevolent silence.

for example, in response to the rosie o'donnell/donald trump skirmish (they are both idiots, but i'm frustrated by trump's constant criticism of her looks - C'MON!), someone says:

"rosie o'donnell is such a homely woman, isn't she?"

stare stare stare at the television with great intent. you are not rudely ignoring her, you are just so interested in whatever that dapper Anderson Cooper has to say, you just didn't hear her!

try try try not to stifle your screams by shoving another cookie down your throat. you will only feel worse, and it will only lead to inevitable weight gain, which will only lead to more annoying questions like:

"so, what sort of thing do you do for exercise?"

to which, i suggest the response:

"lots and lots of really great sex with jewish black men who don't support the war."*

*substitute most parent-offensive ethnic group as needed.

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