sorta surfing...2 thoughts.

you are a fat, ugly slob.

what?

yes, you. you are a fat, ugly slob. did you see those photos of yourself in a swimsuit?

um, yes. yes, i did.

so, what are you going to do about it? i certainly think that should serve as a wake-up call. you're going to go on a diet, aren't you? and please, get a tan. you were blinding people out there.

um, no. it certainly occurred to me, but no. i am not going on a diet, and no, i will not get a tan. i do not tan...i crisp.

what are you going to do? i mean, you cannot be happy with the way you look in a swimsuit. something must be done!

yes, thank you, i am going to do something. i'm going to try to accept and love my body for the way that is right now at this very moment in all of it's glorious imperfection. i'm not going to lie and say i was happy to see how i look in a swimsuit. it's still difficult. maybe it always will be, although i'd like to think that someday i will see myself and think nothing but, "oh wow. there's me. there's me...happy."


know what though? i don't think i could have enjoyed myself any more yesterday with a thinner body. i don't think the sun would have felt any warmer against my skin. i don't think the ocean would have felt any more bracing and clean. i don't think the sand would have been any more yielding and soft to my tired feet. i don't think the waves would have felt any more powerful and lifting. i don't think my heart would have beat any faster when i stood up on the surfboard for the first (and second and third and fourth) time and immediately went crashing into the surf, head over heels.

i don't think i could have felt any lighter had i weighed any less. turns out that has absolutely nothing to do with the size of my ass.

i was just asking.

yeah...well...don't.

_______


on the beach w/ my friend c yesterday. we went surfing, er...actually, i should say that c went surfing, i went attempting to surf. i did get up on the board, but mostly just fell over in a lovely tumble every time. the surfer dude Dan that was supposed to teach us was a no-show, so we were left to our own devices. it was fun though, and quite literally and figuratively, a day at the beach. and don't you just know that all snack foods taste best on a beach under a big pink hat? no? well, they do. duh.

as we're sitting there, i'm looking around at all of the different types of bodies prancing about, and i'm thinking:

wow...they really are all so beautiful. she's certainly not skinny, but what a lovely wittled waist and pendulous hips...oh, and her! she's whiter than me, poor dear, but her skin's like porcelain, and what a lovely rest for the eyes after all of the copper-skinned sunbathers trotting about...and look at her...she's got a belly, but she wears a bikini anyway...she does not apologize for the soft and round souvenir left behind by pregnancy.

i say to c, who is a wee little lass...a petite 5 footer who doesn't weigh enough to give blood, and has a couple of (ahem) body issues of her own:

it's interesting how i'm looking at all of these different bodies. i can be so gentle and sympathetic with their imperfections, mostly finding beauty there, but i can't do that for myself.

i don't really notice other people's bodies.

when i was really deep in my shit, i used to be very judgemental of other people's bodies, mostly women. i would always be comparing myself.

yeah, i really only compare myself with people who are smaller.

people who are smaller?

yeah.

like who? children? three-year olds?

sometimes. (in total seriousness)

we collapsed into a fit of laughter once she realized what she said, but i've been there, or at least some place like it. i used to be very proud when i could pick up teensy-tshirts in the little boy's department, and they'd fit me. the boobs are back tho, so no more of that. i never looked very good in Transformer t's anyway.

the best bod on the beach
(if i ever have a daughter, i'm fairly certain she'll look just about like this.
because i looked just about like this...and still do.)