Sunday, February 04, 2007
because thin people have no problem with self-acceptance...ever.
"well, every time i see you, you just keep getting thinner. you're not going to be able to do your show!"
i smile sweetly, but i want to explode.
um...what? how does that make any sense whatsoever?!?!?
now, this poor fella didn't even see my show, he's just read about it, but...still! good lord. it's been a bit of a constant battle trying to get people to "get it," but then, i guess that's why i do the show. the show seems to help folks "get it" in ways that a coffee conversation never ever will.
i find it incredibly fascinating that people want to assume that my show must be about the struggles of a fatish girl wanting to be thin b/c, the assumption seems to be, don't we all desperately want to be thinner? prettier? er-er? the concept of a anyone being happy right where she/he is seems so totally foreign to most people particularly if that place doesn't reflect the cultural ideal, and isn't that sad.
i am sitting in my cluttered little sort-of-a-one-bedroom apartment in the very non-exclusive borough of Queens. i could bemoan my lot - i'm not rich, i'm not in love, i'm not Grace Kelly's twin, but at this very moment, i wouldn't be anywhere or anyone else. the Super Bowl is being played somewhere, and i couldn't care less. i am alone. i am warm here. chili simmers on the stove. the scent of cinnamon, cumin and allspice waltzes through my apartment and takes me back to childhood football games and Christmas roasts. shirley horn's buttery voice melts through my speakers...
Here's to Life, here's to Love, here's to you...
now yes, the journey illustrated in my show began as an attempt to find happiness in a size 6, but the path took a big sweeping turn, and ended up becoming about learning how to maintain the same level of love for myself no matter where i fall on the weight/dress size/is-my-nose-too-big-or-just-right spectrum. now, does this mean i don't ever think i could look better? feel better? be better? absolutely not, but i really believe i have to be happy where i am before i can get anywhere better. if i can't sit here and see the joy in this, how can i expect to see the joy in that?
god's not dumb. he's not gonna give you the sun when you refuse to see the sunlight and keep begging for the moon.