I AM STILL SCARED OF BREAD AND PASTA.
fuuuuck.
i really don't want to spend my life being scared of bread and pasta. i mean, seriously.
NOODLES. i am scared of NOODLES.
when ya say it like that, it sounds pretty ridiculous, doesn't it?
now, i don't recoil at the sight of a croissant, but i DO plan and negotiate my meals in my head:
alright. i had a sandwich (w/ two slices of bread) for lunch, so no pasta for dinner.
or
i'm going to Don Giovanni's tonight for dinner, so i'll have a salad for lunch (even though what my body is really craving right now is macaroni and cheese and an apple).
many folks would consider this normal and even good planning, but i don't want to plan my meals. i want to trust myself and my body to eat what it wants when it's hungry and stop when it's full, and to trust my body to digest that food and to get hungry again. and when i get hungry again? to eat what i want and stop when i'm full. period.
so, i'm going to work with her for a bit so i can, as she said, "clean up the rough edges" of my recovery. apparently, eating disorder recovery is not a race with a finish line. it is a process with a finish line that keeps moving and changing shapes, dammit. i'll share some of my epiphanies with you as i work with her, but you should check her out on your own if you're so inclined.
(her website is not done yet, but keep checking. she says it should be up w/ loads of info in the next week or so: www.evolvedeating.com.)
4 comments:
Good luck with the process. I really wish I did plan my meals a tad more. I shouldnt eat carbs 3 times a day, but I often do. *sigh
Afraid of food? Sounds like the perfect time for food play! Buy a loaf of fresh bread, go to a park and feed the ducks. One bite for you, one for them. One for you, one for them.
Then make a huge pot of noodles for no better reason than to feel them. Touch them, squoosh them, taste them, heck, bathe in them if it helps you lose the fear.
"apparently, eating disorder recovery is not a race with a finish line. it is a process with a finish line that keeps moving and changing shapes, dammit."
Yup. That's what I'm learning already, and I do the same sorts of reasoning with myself over what I'll eat. Thinking, Oh, hey, you didn't eat fruit at lunch and had something sweet. Your snack should be fruit - even if my body doesn't want fruit, this is the way I think.
It really is a process, and it's sometimes frustrating. Like you, I don't want to plan my food. I want to eat what feels good to me in the moment when I need to eat! Good luck! I look forward to your epiphanies... and I love the sign. Good ole NYC. I can't say I miss it, exactly... but there is a certain appeal to being able to get food delivered. Even groceries! I miss Fresh Direct!
Your play, your words and your attitude are a giant breath of fresh air. All I can say right now is thank you, thank you, thank you...for putting into words feelings and experiences I've never known how to...
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