the chef is a murderer

step away from the salad.

here' s a tip:

do not eat the chef's salad for lunch. the chef's salad at my place of employment's cafe.

cafe is really too kind of a word. they call it a cafe, but it is not. cafe suggests a charming atmosphere, mahogany-framed mirrors on the walls, rude though sophisticated waiters, glasses of dry white wine sipped from rustic glass cups over a simple salad of smoked salmon, poached organic egg, and frisee, dotted with capers and sprinkled with freshly ground pepper. cafe suggests tarte tatins served with generous dollops of creme fraiche and a strong cup of espresso.

this is not our cafe.

this is our cafeteria:

our cafeteria boils green vegetables until they resemble army fatigues.

our cafeteria covers anything with cheese and calls it au gratin.

our cafeteria serves coffee so strong it would be better utilized cleaning toilets.

our cafeteria doesn't so much prepare food as it does destroy it.

so do not get the chef's salad. no matter how ravenous you are b/c you ran 3 miles (okay, two and a half) that morning and all you had was coffee and a Portuguese roll for breakfast, and it's 3 pm, your blood sugar has plummetted, you're starting to shake, and all you can think about is FOOOOOOOOD! and the chef's salad doesn't look so bad. it actually looks pretty good. some ham, some salami, some cheese, a tomato, and a hard-boiled egg sitting atop a bed of sortof green lettuce. it could be worse.

but do not, i tell you, get the chef's salad.

b/c now, 4 1/2 hours later, stomach gurgling and head swarming with nausea, you venture a guess that the same chef salad you ate today at 3pm was the probably same chef salad you saw sitting there yesterday at noon, wrapped tightly in saran wrap on top of a pile of ice...waiting...

to strike.