Saturday, September 03, 2005


ever have one of those days when you're just angry at everything? everyone?

pissed. pissed. pissed. (i used to get in trouble for saying that word as a teenager. pissed. young ladies don't say that. so i'm going to say it a lot.)

pissed b/c i can't do a goddam thing about the hurricane victims other than send money, which i know helps, but i want to go down there and actively help. scoop out food, pass out water, pray with them...anything that will make me feel less...useless.

pissed b/c i ate half a hershey's chocolate bar (again) last nite, as i was watching hurricane coverage on NBC.

pissed b/c yesterday, i had a cyst (caused, ironically enough, by an ingrown hair brought on by my favorite activity: shaving) the size of a dime ripped out of my skin without any anesthesia. it was the grossest thing i have ever seen and hurt worse than anything i have ever experienced, pretty much sealing the deal: no birthing of babies for me and no more shaving the netherregions. boy shorts all the way on the beach. (yes, yes i went there. deal.)

pissed b/c my apartment is a like one big dusty cat does this fucking hair get absolutely everywhere?!!??? i pick up my freshly-poured glass of water: cat hair in it. i pull down my black wedge heels from the closet that have been sealed in a plastic shoe box for months: cat hair all over them. couch, bathroom floor, computer chair, cuisinart...all have developed an unseemly calico pelt. why bother removing it? it will be back tomorrow.

pissed b/c i feel like i have so much to do and such little time.

pissed b/c how do you get it through to someone, someone that you care about deeply (as a friend), that i am not interested in that way. so lay off . without hurting someone's feelings or ruining a friendship?

then, even more pissed b/c can't even talk to the person i am interested in? isn't this supposed to stop at age 12? and why can't i talk to him? b/c of this stupid thing called FEAR. capital F. capital E. capital A. capital R. of rejection. or maybe what i'm really scared of is...holy shit! the possibility that he might like me too. or, at the very least, not find me repulsive.

pissed b/c when i look in the mirror all i see is a big, pudgy moonface looking back at me, and all my brain thinks is...hey fat girl, that's why he wouldn't like you. your cheeks are bigger than his backpack.

pissed b/c i am 30 years old, and i still have so much work to do.

pissed b/c i feel so very out of control. almost like my life is being lived for me instead of me living my life.


thank you for listening. i feel better now.

now i'm going to go run on the treadmill for miles lest my head explode and totally ruin my freshly-washed, cat hair-free sheets.

1 comment:

karma said...

oh... (sad face emoticon)