trust and needlepoint

on a day like today, i just needed a little
handiwork to keep me busy, lest my mind
completely explode. thinking of hanging
the finished product above my cubicle.

remind me again why i'm writing and producing a show that is so personal and raw it feels like i'm slicing up my heart and feeding it to an audience of strangers on toast points with a side of frites? what if they don't get it?

i'm sorry? you'd like ketchup with your steak tartare?

can't think about that now. i'll be like Scarlett, pinch my cheeks to a rosy pink, and think about that tomorrow. or never.

this whole show process is one big ol' lesson in trust. trusting myself. trusting my gut. trusting (or not) others. trusting my body when it says it's hungry, or needs exercise, or needs to be touched. i am not, historically, good at trust. i have been disappointed by many people in my life (oh, who hasn't, ya big baby?), so i have learned to be mighty independent. but mighty independent can be mighty lonely, and when producing a show, mighty impossible. so...i am trying. i just have to keep taking baby steps and big steps and baby steps and big steps until i can leap and either:

1. crash, burn, skin my knees, cry, feel sorry for myself for a few minutes, get up, brush myself off, put on some lip gloss, and try again.

or

2. land in a big pile of pillows that some nice person put there for me

or

3. sprout wings and fly.

am i sappy or what???!!!

i am officially losing It. oh well. never really wanted It anyway. It does not go well on toast points.

----

"Oh, darling, let your body in, let it tie you in comfort." - Anne Sexton

i'm trying, annie. i swear, i am.