day 3 with no coffee

Monogrammed Ping Pong paddle made from Lucky Charms, by Johnny and Nancy

and i still haven't killed anyone or fallen asleep in a puddle of drool on my desk.

part of a "cleanse" that i'm doing. of course, i've amended my cleanse to include a margarita and quesadilla for dinner on wednesday night and an egg roll with my steamed broccoli and tofu with brown rice last night, but the first part of the day has been very cleansing - no wheat, no dairy, no sugar, no caffeine. i think i'm falling off the wagon in the evenings because i'm not eating enough throughout the day, so i come home ravenous and desperate for some lipids.

so, margaux, eat more during the day please.

it's an interesting experiment for me to do a cleanse. to not view it as a diet, but as self-care, takes some major psychological tinkering.

as in...

i'm not having ice cream not because i can't, but because i'm taking really good care of myself and cleansing my system.

as opposed to...

you cannot have ice cream because you are already a fat tub of lard and ice cream will only make you lardierrrr, little miss piggy. oink, oink.

interesting to note that my kind voice is in first person, and my defeating voice is like an admonishing, abusive parent. hmmmmm...

i suppose one could say that i shouldn't even bother doing the cleanse if i'm not doing in perfectly, but whatever...i'm practicing. i'm still not sure my body and mind can grasp the fact that this is not deprivation for weight loss, but restraint for health. i'm not sure the starved little girl inside trusts me enough to believe that i will feed her normally again; that vomit-flavored "greens drinks," dry salads and soups with giant slithery strands of kombu seaweed will not be forever. so, if that means allowing her a bowl of Lucky Charms in the evenings at the tail end of a food-virtuous day, so be it.

self-care isn't always the color of kale.